Tuesday, May 5, 2015

Point of View

Over on the MMSL Forum I have seen a real ebb and flow of attitudes.  I had mentioned before that when I first discovered the Red Pill I would be on the forum but eventually lost interest as it seemed like the entire place had been taken over by the Asshole is Alpha group.

I decided to see if anything has changed recently and was pleasantly surprised to notice that the majority of forum participants seem to have driven off those who use the Red Pill as an excuse to just be abusive to women.  With this new found abundance of helpful information I have been spending more like lurking about and seeing what other men are up to.

In my reading I noticed the use of the Triage Questions.  These are a set of question designed to illicit a response that will give everyone reading the post some insight into a persons life.  The questions revolve around better defining what is going on that is causing the sex to dry up in each relationship. 

Below is a link to the list along with a brief outline of the questions.  The link will take you to a detailed explanation of what is needed for each one.

Married Man Sex Life Triage Questions
Question One – Basic Questions
Question Two – Rule Out Medical
Question Three – Rule Out Structural Attraction Issues
Question Four – Rule Out Critical Moments and Neglect
Question Five – Rule Out Outside Sexual Sources
Question Six – When Did the Sex Go Bad?
Question Seven – What Was the Sex Like at the Start of the Relationship?
Question Eight – What’s the Elephant in the Room?
Question Nine – Who is the Leader in your Marriage?

Question Ten – Tell Us About the Good Times
At first glance the questions seem very straight forward and so are the answers provided but I recently came to a revelation about the questions and one that is also helping me address some issues.  This is specifically about questions three and four.

On the surface three and four seem pretty simple.  What are the  structural issues in the relationship that are cause the drop in attraction and what are the critical moments of neglect.  Most guys will answer these, but it will always be from their point of view.  That is where I failed as well.

My personal situation is our money.  I make a very good living but we also spend a lot.  There is no gambling or substance issues but we do enjoy eating out and letting the kids do a large number of activities that always cost money.  This has been true ever since we had kids 15 years ago and since then we have lived pay check to pay check.  My checks are usually pretty large so it's no big deal.....to me at least. And that is the problem.

I need to remind myself that the MAP is about improving myself, but it has to be from the point of view of a female.  As guys when we look at the triage questions we will always answer them the same way.  The first step is to start working out and dressing better because for us that would be at the top of the list for attraction.  My wifes ability to budget or earn has no effect on my desire to fuck her.  But how she looks and how she dresses does.  When looking at myself I started with my own perspective so I refocused my workouts and diet to improve my physical appearance and started dressing better.  This had absolutely no effect on her and I didn't understand why.  But then my realization came this past few weeks.

The money/spending issue is something I need to work on but it doesn't bother me.  I don't lay awake at night worrying if we will ever save enough money to buy a house.  My wife recently told me that now that we live in Texas she has a fear that the house we rent will be destroyed by a tornado and we won't have money to move.  To me that's just ridiculous but as I finally figured out it doesn't matter what I think.  It only matters what she thinks or feels.  My belief that my marriage is not salvageable has not changed, but I need to look at my MAP and the work I am doing from the perspective of my next possible wife.  While the next, and hopefully last wife, might not have the same issues she will most likely not be OK with how I handle my business right now.

Spending time in the gym and eating is important to my large goals but it won't be the way to a woman's heart.  The body will get me in the door but I need to have a complete game with no holes.  I don't have that right now but it's clearly something I need to make a priority.

Like everything on this blog this is just one more step in my journey.  I'm grateful to have figured this step out and it will give me much to work on and think about moving forward to create a better me.

Monday, February 16, 2015

The Real Deal

This post has been in the making for many years but I only recently came to grips with what it really meant.

Despite the built in anonymity of being a blogger there is one area of my life that I have avoided writing about.  Today that changes, but first a little bit on why I have been struggling with it.

For the past several years I have been battling with, at least I thought I was, porn addiction.  I have all the classic symptoms.  Various levels of ED, difficulty in social situations with women and I struggle with intimacy.  I am also a lousy lover.  According to my wife and previous girlfriends I give amazing oral and I honestly do enjoy bringing a woman to orgasm with my mouth but once my dick is involved everything falls apart.

Well I must have porn induced ED.  The cure is to quite porn.  So I did.  And to be honest it wasn't that difficult.  Now I have had relapse's over the past two years but for the most part I stay clean and it's not much of a struggle.  Right now I am on my computer at 3am and it would be very easy to find a porn site, but I won't.  I quite porn so I should be fine, but it didn't work out that way.  Six months clean and the same problems.  Relapse and the same problems.  What gives.

Turns out my addiction is something different.

As I travel my Red Pill path I look at different things in my life that seem out of place and this past week I finally looked at the giant angry smelling pink elephant in the room.

Clothes.  No, not to wear, but in order to understand this I will start from the early beginning.

I, like many guys who became teens in the early 80's, was introduced to my sexuality thru magazines.  Playboy and Penthouse were the periodicals of choice.  Someone in the neighborhood had one and they made the rounds.  They were interesting but never really grabbed me.  I wasn't consumed by looking at them like some of the guys. That was until one issue came around.  The picture was very simply.  A clothed man and women sitting in the back of a limo.  They were both lying on the back seat on their sides with their heads propped up on an arm.  The guy was in the back and his arm was over the woman in front of him and his hand was firmly placed on her breast.  The woman was wearing a gown/dress of some kind that was shiny and silky.  Everything about this picture spoke to me.  It wasn't just a naked woman.  It was a couple who in my mind were getting ready to have sex.

The magazines got more intense over the years but that picture stuck with me.  I don't remember all the details of my childhood but I guess I jerked off like most guys on a pretty regular basis and that picture helped.  But at some point just cumming started to get boring.  It wasn't like sex. It was just me playing with myself until I finished.  I wanted to try something more but wasn't sure what to do.

Like most young boys growing up in a rural farming town I didn't have a lot of fancy clothes that needed to be hung up so my empty closet was the storage closet.  One day while board and looking for something to do I cam across an outfit in the closet.  I can't say exactly what it was, because I don't know, but if pressed it was a very heavy weight robe with a zipper that only ran half way.  It was brown with some lines on it but it caught my eye.  I was looking at it and eventually placed my hand inside and that was it.  Inside was lined with a polyester material.  Smooth, shiny, slipper, and full of possibility.  Rubbing my hands over it started to give me ideas.  The pants dropped and I bundled up a handful of the robe and pushed my hard cock into it.  Heaven.

Over time I would develop a system.  I would take the robe and turn it inside out.  Stuff it full of pillows and then dry hump it on my bed.  I probably came on that thing hundreds of times if not thousands of times.  I wasn't just masturbating. I was having sex.  I was on top of my sex doll pumping my hips and it was as close to real thing as I would ever get for many years.  It also became the only way I would be able to cum.

As the years passed the old robe was replaced by a winter coat.  Similar to the modern puffy coat it was lined with a nylon/polyester material and felt great.  This practice went on for a long time.  One weekend my college room mate went home for the weekend and I spent it fucking the coat he left behind.

I want to point out that at no point in any of this did I think I had a problem.  I was horny, wanted to cum, and this is how I did it.  It was entertaining and enjoyable and didn't have an impact on other areas of my life.

My next big phase shift happened when I was probably around 15 or 16.  My parents had friends who owned a store in Ocean City NJ.  Above the store was an apartment they would rent out and my parents took everyone for a week.  Mid week my parents invited another married couple over to spend a few days at the beach with us.  They had been friends since high school.  Everyone was about the age I am now.  The woman of the other couple was very nice and everyone got along.  I don't remember her name or what she really looked like but I remember what she wore to the beach.  It was shiny blue one piece bathing suit. The bottom was a typical fitted type and upper was like a lose fitting tube top.  I'm sure there is an official name for this but I don't know or care.

She was in good shape, as I remember, but nothing really stood out that would have physically drawn me to her like the women in the magazines.  What kept my attention, however, was the suit.  The way the light shinned off, how soft and smooth it looked.  I couldn't think about anything but wanting to put my hands on her.  Not really her specifically, but anyone wearing it.  Other than me constantly trying to look at her while not being caught looking at her it was a usual day at the beach.  We went back to the house and everyone started to get cleaned up.  For those without ocean experience it's typically a two step process to clean up after a day at the beach.  The first is to use an outdoor shower to clean off all the sand and salt water before going in the house followed by an actual shower to clean off the rest.  Like most kids I was avoiding leaving the beach and wound up being last to take my shower. 

When I got into the bathroom I got undressed and started the water for my shower.  I rinsed out my suit in the sink and hung it on the shower rod like everyone else.  Yes, everyone else hung their suits there including hers.  I felt like a kid on Christmas morning.  I was overwhelmed by a feeling of wanting to do something but I couldn't think of what first.  I won't pretend that I remember all the details but some of the highlights were touching it, licking it, wearing it and rubbing my hands over myself and eventually cumming on it. 

The next day was another day at the beach and she wore the suit again.  I was consumed with the idea that she was wearing something that I had cum on.  I cleaned up any evidence but I know what was there.  The second day ended just like the first.

Ever since that day I have been trying to recreate the experience.  Much if not all of my spandex/bathing suit fetish comes from that day.

To bring us all back to today I have spent the last 30 years cumming on different types of clothing.  Porn is not my problem, this is.

My last reboot when I swore off porn was like all the others. I said I wouldn't watch anymore and that was it.  No big deal or fan fair or anything.  Right after doing that, however, I took one of my wife's bathing suits and jerked off with it.  But that's not a reboot, right.  So I said no more masturbation either.  Then I took my wife's suit again and just edged for about an hour.  But then it dawned on me that maybe it's not the porn or masturbation that's the problem but how I'm doing it so I decided to collect up the items I had been using to do this with and throw them away and that's when I found my addiction.

The first time I tried to do this it didn't work.  I actually went thru the trash and dug it out.  It smelled like rancid food and was wet from something else that was in the trash but I stilled jerked off with it.  This clearly had a bigger hold on me than I wanted to admit.  This is what an addiction is.

So that's where i am today, right now.  The last vestige of these items are some lingerie that my wife keeps in her drawer.  She won't ever wear them but they are always there and I need to get rid of them.  I can admit that as long as they are in the house I won't have the strength to resist.

One other thing I am coming to terms with is why am I doing this.  I'm not able to have sex and my wife doesn't want to have sex.  That seems like a win win for everyone.  But I need to keep reminding myself that I'm not doing this for today, but for the future when I hope to have a normal sex life with someone who enjoys being with me.  I really doubt it will be with my current wife but at some point in the not so distant future I will be with someone who wants me, and will do what I need to now so I can be with them.

Sunday, January 18, 2015

Maybe It Really Is Somewhere In The Middle

Last week was actually a good week in the gym.  If I sound surprised it's because I am.  I have been struggling for some time with keeping things moving.  I keep going to the gym but like many people I struggle with the patients needed to allow something to progress, or be willing to let my body define what I do even if it's different from what is on the internet.

Right now in power lifting there are three major schools of how to train.  I realize these are major simplifications but the point of this is not to detail the the different programs but to give a brief overview, or at least my overview, of each one.

West Side type training promotes the idea of training without using the major three lifts.  You will do box squats and bench with boards at limit weights but you won't train the major lifts heavy.  You do speed work for the technique portions of your training involving the major lifts.

The second major school that I see is the sub maximal trainers.  These people promote using the three lifts but training them with a percentage of your max weight.  Focus on speed of the movement and using a higher rep range.

The third school I have seen is to use the major lifts and train them heavy in the 2-3 rep range.  Never going to a max effort lift but still going heavy.

My problem had always been that they don't work for me.

I am not an athlete.  In fact I suck at most athletic activities.  The only way I can get better at the three lifts is to work them heavy like the third school but I burn out quickly.  Then I switch to one of the others but as soon as I get a limit weight in my hands it feels crazy heavy and my form falls apart.
So I decided to switch things up.  How can I work the three lifts in a heavy range but not burn out.  My plan was do a week of heavy work in the three major lifts followed by a week of heavy accessory work.  Front squat and stiff leg deadlift instead of squatting on Monday, stuff like that but still going heavy in the 3-6 rep range.  Last week was the first time I had cycled back to the heavy lifts and everything felt good and strong.

One of the things that is often overlooked, especially buy people who watch the elite level lifters, is how difficult it is for a non-athlete to improve on a very technical lift.  I must practice the three major lifts on a regular basis or I will loose the ability to perform them.  There are people who can not squat for months, or only squat %60 of their max, and hit the platform in stride but I am not one of them.

I don't really think I have discovered anything that many of us genetically typical lifters didn't already know but this is the first time I really pushed myself on it.  I would often try one method then switch to something different but never branch out on my own and try something that I feel would work for mine.

Now I will be the first to admit that I will never in 100 years break any records.  I will most likely never even total elite in any weight class but I will hopefully continue to make progress and improve myself.

Like taking the Red Pill it's about always moving forward.  Always improving.  Always practicing.

A good workout one week doesn't mean they will all be good, and one day of my wife letting me touch her doesn't mean there will be more to follow.  In fact if my workout were anything like my wife then everything would be a failure over the long haul.

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

This Might Just Work.....Sort Of

It's an interesting dynamic that goes on in your head when you realize, or in my case openly admit to myself, that your wife just isn't into you any more.  Many of the little Beta things that you do on a regular basis with the hope she may allow you to have sex disappear.

My wife is historically very lazy when it comes to our relationship.  I have mentioned before that if I don't track her down when I get home for a hug or kiss then I don't get one.  So I stopped doing that.  I get home and do what I need to complete my day and get ready for the next.  Nothing important really but when weighed against making the effort to force my wife to give me some affection it does come out on top.  It didn't take long for her to notice, and to start complaining.  The other night was a good example of how this has been playing out.

After diner I went to watch some TV.  Not something I do often but I just felt like sitting down for a bit before going to bed.  My wife, like usual, was sitting at the dinner table on her phone.  Once she was done with her Facebook and texting she mentioned that I didn't give her a hug when I got home.  I told her she could come over to the couch for one.  She instead spent the rest of the evening, which wasn't much time, complaining about that.  My previous reaction would have been to get up and give her a hug, but I asked myself why.  I would make the effort to get up and do something I didn't want to do and my reward would be nothing.  She would never appreciate the effort as she has an expectation that I will do it. 

Now I get it, the whole idea that a hug will get me sex is silly but it still goes back to the whole point of my post.  Why does she get what she wants if I don't get what I want.  I will still give her a hug and kiss when I want to but the expected affection stops.  Like working out I do it for me.

Yesterday a similar scene played out.  I came home and went do what I needed.  I was sitting in the chair in our bedroom taking my shoes off when she came in.  She leaned over to hug me and gave me a kiss.  Since my marriage can't really get much worse I said "what the hell" and reached up under her sweater and grabbed her boobs.  99 days out of 100 my wife wears underwear that looks like it was bought at a thrift store that only sold old lady clothes.  But tonight she had on one of her nice bras.  She hugged me and I molested her chest for a few minutes and that was it.

This seemingly harmless and meaningless exchange was a huge departure for us.  Normally if my hands get anywhere near her chest on a day she is not ovulating it's met with revulsion and a diatribe about all my negative traits.  But that day was different.

At the risk of jumping Red Pill shark here I will say that my frame is telling me that this happened because of my change in behavior.  There could have been many other reasons why she allowed me to do that but the fact that it happened at all while being two weeks away from her ovulation has me feeling that maybe I am doing something right.

I realize that her attraction to me has not really changed.  She is still not into me, but by forcing her to come to me for this I may be changing what she is willing to do.  In the past my mind has gone some deep dark places to deal with a sexless marriage and maybe a relationship without any physical contact is something she is not prepared to handle.

Hope springs eternal, or is it hope is for suckers.  Either way I will take what I can right now.   My marriage will either improve or end this year and this may be the start.  Too early to say what direction this is going in but at least it's something different from the frigid marriage I have been in for the past decade.

Saturday, January 10, 2015

I'm Not A Powerlifter, Yet.

I was talking with one of the trainers at the gym a while back and he asked me if I was a power lifter.  It wasn't because I was handling big weights but because of how I train.  I gave up on high rep work many years ago and learned to enjoy training in a much lower rep range.  I train like a power lifter in how I set up my gym sessions and the type of movements and equipment I use.

But the truth is I am not a power lifter.  Until I compete I simply train like one.  I also think that if you are a body builder or even a crossfitter unless you complete you are just working out like one.

So my decision for this year is to step onto the platform.  Given my size and age I am assured to be completely embarrassed by how weak I really am but I need to do this.  It's not enough to just train like one, I must compete like one.

This idea has also given me some other ideas.  How many men write about taking the red pill, like how I train, but never take the the final step that is needed to really be someone who has taken it.  It's not enough to just say I took it, I must compete and show what I have done.

The real question for me now is what to do.

That brings me to an article that was posted on the Art of Manliness site.

A Roadmap To Manhood In The 21st Century

If you hang out in the Man-O-Sphere long enough you will start to believe that the entire purpose of the Red Pill is for men to have for sex.  That seems to always come across as the driving force behind everyone who starts this journey.  I can be honest and say I was no different when I started.  But once I came to realize that my physical relationship with my wife was over I had no where else to focus.

Now I do.  The article is a long read and I am still getting thru it but at a high level it goes over steps needed to reclaim ones manhood.  Not just improve your sex life but improve your entire self as a man.

One of the more interesting ideas presented in it are the three P's of manhood.  Provide, Protect, Procreate.  Moving forward I will focus more on the other 2 since procreate isn't something I can do anymore (got snipped many years ago).

For me the point of all this is to focus on being a man and not just being a penis looking for a place to be.  I don't think this really changes my path forward, but I will be looking beyond just improving the way I look and try and focus on what really makes us men.

It's an interesting question and one I think I will enjoy exploring and trying to answer.

Sunday, January 4, 2015

New Year Same Old Me

A new year has started and I am getting back to some things.

To be honest I have been wanting to blog more but I was really struggling about something.  One of my first blogs was to explain why I even wanted to blog.  I don't want to be a writer or ever try and make money doing this.  It was just a way for me to document my journey to improve myself.  Along the way my mind has gone to some very deep, dark places, and I did write about these.  My struggle had been in do I delete these or leave them.

My decision has been to leave them.  I am not proud of where I was last year and the things that went thru my mind, but I did go thru this and will leave what I wrote.  I won't reference it much, and if you are interested you will need to do some searching, but it's there for all the world to see and as reminder to myself of all the places I have been.

I need to move forward but not forget where I have been.

I loath the whole new year resolution idea but I have set some high level goals for this year to keep moving myself forward.  As it should this list will change as I accomplish some things and change my view on others but the high lights are as follows.

  1. Compete in a power-lifting meet as a 242
  2. Enroll in a graduate program
  3. Get my professional license in TX
  4. Build a back yard chicken coup
  5. Create a softball training area for Killer K
  6. Blog twice a week
There will be more as the year moves on but this is a start.

Note that nothing in the list involves my wife.  This is not a real decision that I have made but I will move my life forward and if she chooses to come along then great, but I will no longer be making decisions about my life based on he.

Recently I have finally admitted to myself that she no longer has any attraction to me.  I have know this for many years but there was a part of me that didn't want to believe it.  I mean have I really changed so much that she no longer wants me other than the one day a week that her hormones kick in.  My realization is that she has changed.  The driven confident woman I married is now an old broken down woman who spends her days comparing about everything.  I'm no catch, but I deserve better.  She is a good mother and I have no plans of divorcing her but I am also not going to spend effort to save what is left.

There will be more to follow but every journey starts with one step and this is my first.

Sunday, March 16, 2014

October 4th Was Not A Good Day....At The Time

Not that anyone was wondering, but I am still here.  Just had what was a minor setback, at the time, but now turned out to be a really great thing.

On Friday October 4th my manager called me into the conference room and I was laid off.  To be honest this was not a big surprise.  When they hired me I think there was a lot of excitement about what I could do, but then we got busy and all the forward thinking stuff I could offer was no longer wanted.  I was over paid for what they really needed.  I was a thinker and they needed a doer who didn't ask questions and was a lot cheaper.

I won't belabor the point of why this happened, but it did.  Looking back it was a great thing but at the time I completely lost my frame and really felt crappy.  Not a full on depression, but not real good about myself.  I didn't feel like writing about being an Alpha Male when I couldn't keep one of the main tenets of being able to support your family.

Well that is only half true.  Nearly every post I have every written here I wrote while at work.  I was bored and needed a mental diversion that required me to think.  No boring job, no need to keep the brain working.  The reality was that I was only out of work about  three weeks.  I got a call from a recruiter in Dallas, about 1,300 miles from where I was, and after brief phone call was on a plane along with my wife to visit my future employer.  They offered me the position on the spot and I moved.  My family is still back in Philadelphia but I have been working ever since.  Once the school year ends everyone will move.

This job has been a huge step forward for me on every level.  More money, responsibility, and involvement in the long term planning of the company.  I have been, and still am, crazy busy so have not had time to blog.  But I also didn't have a lot to blog about.  It was super easy to fall into my usual rouutine of working out, going to work, and going to bed.

So I had to ask myself, what I can I do to continue my journey to being an Alpha Male when my wife and family are not with me.

I don't have any answer to this, but hopefully starting to write again will get me back on track. I will say some of my goals, about getting in better shape, are going well since I am not struggling with being in house with people who don't share my dietary needs.  I could have done this at home before but never had the will power to resist what was around me.  Now I can keep the crap I should not eat at arms length and it is really helping.  Not full Paleo yet, but a lot better than I was.  It's a start.

I also need to get my ass in gear about finding a place to live.  Right now I am renting a room in a house with two college students and a teach at the local community college.  But at some point I will need to get a place for all of us.  That will take effort and focus to go thru what needs to be done and that will require an Alpha to step up and do what it needed.

This should go fine, and like before, I will use this blog and a journal of my journey to keep making myself a better man.

I will also need to buy a big hat, but I will save that for another post.