Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Don't Be Sorry

Average Married Dad had a recent post detailing his lessons of the past week.

What I Learned Last Week

Most of it is interesting and like usual it's a good read.

As an aside I do need to take exception to his negative comments about "Mom Jeans".  I turned 43 this year, so it might just be about when I had my sexual awakening, but I actually like the idea of a woman not afraid to show she has a waist.  I know they are popular but I really do hate the hip type jeans.  I remember hearing the Commodores song "Brick House" and not understanding what 34-26-34 meant but today I can really appreciate it.  Seems like many guys would rather see 28-28-28.  That is not me.

Now back to the program.

One of the lines that really jumped out at me was:

The shift to taking the Captain’s chair a couple years ago, embracing my masculinity, attraction to my wife and unapologetic need for sex has made a world of difference.

 I commented back with:

I enjoyed the entire piece but that line really hit home with me. I still have not been able to make the complete transition but I am starting to get much more comfortable with the thoughts in my head.
They are not weird things per say, but it is hard to transition from “mother of my children” to “hot piece of ass I married”.
I guess we are all just a work in progress and at least I know that I’m not the only guy who struggled, and still struggles, with not having to say I’m sorry for being a man.

And I wanted to expand that some.

One of the things that I am starting to better understand about my Red Pill journey is that excepting myself, the good and bad, is part of the process.  I will work to change what I don't like, but some things I just need to except.  Being a man, and not just a male, is one of them that I don't want to change and am working to embrace.

I don't know when the transition happened but at some point sex stopped being sex.  It become love, or intimacy, or any other touchy feely word you want to use.  Sex was hot, it was fun, and I really felt like it gave me a deep physical connection to my wife.

Many men, such as myself, start to develop sexual performance problems as we get older.  I know there are real physical reasons for some of that, but maybe much of the performance problem comes from just being bored with sex.  Diet, age, and physical condition can all drive down a mans testosterone level, but I also think bad sex can as well.  When the mind wants hot, and the body only ever get's luke warm at best, this must have an effect.

Spend any time on the MMSL boards and it will seem like the only reason many of those guys do anything in life is because it may lead to sex.  I would often make fun of them for living a life driven by their penis, but maybe that is not such a bad thing in moderation.

This whole idea that we are testosterone driven beasts who like hot dirty sex has been driven out of many of us.  Now we are just fathers, and husbands, and dads. We turn to porn to see sex the way we want it, but then go upstairs, turn off the lights, get under the covers, and hope for anything.

Like nearly everything else in my journey knowing what I need to do and actually doing it are two different things.  It would be great if I could just one day start saying those things that I have been forced to hide away in the place in my mind I keep all the other dirty things but it doesn't work that way.  At least not for me.

I can take baby steps to regain my maleness.  Working out and being more Alpha in everyday life is a good start but it's still not enough.  I think climbing onto the roof and beating my chest like King Kong will be way over the top, and dangerous, but there has to be a middle ground.

The real trick is finding it.

Friday, September 6, 2013

Covert Independence

There are two concepts that always float around in the manosphere having to do with guys in relationships.  This is something that the pump and dump crowd will laugh at but for those of us in an actual relationship they are the "Covert Contract" and "Outcome Independence".

This weekend I think I took care of them both.

Just to give my spin here is how I look at them both.

A covert contract is the unspoken agreement, that we men create in our heads, that by doing something for a woman we will get sex.  This is not just for men, and it doesn't always have to do with sex but for purposes of my discussion I will use that.  On the rare occasion when my wife makes breakfast Sunday morning it's not because she just wants to be nice, it's because she wants me or us to do something in return.  She never expressed what she wanted but it's there.  A guy who offers his wife a back rub, who then expects it to lead to sex, is also creating a contract.  I rub your back you give me sex.  It's covert, so not talked about, but it's there.

Outcome independence is another sex based thing.  You put the moves on your wife and she rebuffs you.  Instead of pouting, or complaining, or going online and talking about how horrible it is that she won't just do what you tell her, you go on to something else.  For most guys this is just an outward act of pretending to not really be hurt.  The trick, or real skill, is in actually not being resentful or hurt.  Many in the sphere do struggle with the concept that their penis is not at the center of their wives universe.

Now onto my day.

Yesterday we decided to take our last trip of the summer to the beach.  Our location of choice for the past decade has been Ocean City New Jersey.  We leave in the morning, make the 2 hour drive, spend the day on the beach, walk the boardwalk and eat, then go home.  It was a fun relaxing day.

Now in a previous posting I had mentioned about my bathing suit fetish.

If a fat girl gives you an ioi

Despite what many, and even myself, might had thought that is not how the day went.  I was packing downstairs and went upstairs to get something else while my wife was getting ready.  She had gotten her suit and her cover-up on and was folding some other items to take for the kids.  I grabbed her, pushed her onto the bed, and spent a good ten minutes just molesting her back side.  I understood going into this that nothing was going to happen.  I certainly wanted it to, but this was not her MO.  She talked for a minute before I told her to shut up so I could enjoy this.

The feeling of her ample ass under the smooth spandex suit was driving me nuts.  All I could think about was how much I wanted to cum on her ass.  In the past I would have unzipped my shorts and pulled my cock out which would have started her fighting with me to get up and leave.  But I didn't.  I just simply enjoyed the moment.  Then that was it.  I spent the rest of the day doing what I could to put my hand on her, without being offensive and crude.  After the beach we got showered and I know that was last time I will see her in that suit until next year.

We went to the boardwalk and while we walked I played with her hair, held her hand, and generally tried to be a dotting husband.  I enjoyed what I was doing and did it because I enjoyed it.  We have done days like this in the past I knew exactly how this day would end.  She would be tired and go right to sleep when we got home.  And in the past I would have been angry about that and it would often effect how I acted towards here before we even got home.

But this day really was different.  I simply enjoyed what I was doing.  I was not rubbing and touching her because I was expecting sex later.  I was doing it because I wanted to.  Same with all the other things.

The most amazing part of all this is how empowering it made me feel.  I was not letting my HOPE of having sex decide what I was doing.  I was just simply doing.

I won't say this is some kind of breakthrough or anything because I still have a long way to go, but it did show me something about myself that I didn't know was there.  Dropping the contracts and childish moodiness for not getting my way takes a real load off my mind and allows me to simply enjoy what I am doing.

Being in the moment.  It's like Zen for your penis.  I'm sure there will still be times when I struggle with this, like being in any moment, but it's something I can work on.

Friday, August 23, 2013

The Abusive Diet

Strange title but bear with me.

I saw a posting earlier this week that linked to an essay about why will power is not enough.  I have said this before and I totally agree.  But what really caught my eye, and my imagination, was his solution.

And before anyone asks I don't have the link or remember where I saw it.  The essay itself was not all that interesting and much like many Alpha items, like NMMNG, %95 of it seemed like filler.

Anyway the basic point was that we should strive to change our inner selves, or possibly release our inner selves to the outside world.

He used the basic concept of someone who looks at a certain food item and can say to themselves "I am not the type of person who would eat that" or something to that effect.

Earlier today I was hungry and had eaten my lunch hours ago (some days are just eating days) and decided to go to Wawa.  For those who are not from the North East United States Wawa is a convenience store selling coffee, snacks, sandwiches, get the idea.  I was pondering what to get and it just really struck me how much effort it is to not each something that is not healthy.

I can admit that I have spent many years struggling with my love of junk food.  Specifically snack cake types of items. I have never really been a big candy person but offer me a single serving pie and I act like a crack whore.

But then let's look at some other areas of my life and see if I can figure something out.  I have never driven drunk.  No matter how much I drink, or have drunk, I would never and have never gotten behind the wheel of a car.  No matter what is going on that is just something I will never do.  I would also never strike a woman.  Now to be honest I have never struck a man either but I will talk about a woman.  There is nothing, short of needing to physically defend my family, that would bring me to raise my hand to a female.

I would never drive drunk, or strike a woman, because that is not who I am.  There is no struggle with me.  There is no scenario where either would ever happen and writing this takes no effort.  It is who I am. Period.  That's it.

But then here I was, standing in front of shelves and shelves of food I should not eat struggling.  Now, I clearly understand that here in the US driving drunk and hitting another person can both get you in a lot of trouble while eating like crap only makes me fat, but it's still an interesting observation.

And I think it's also a great chance to learn something.  Why can't I, and all of us who want to change the way we eat, look at the food in the same way we look at other behaviors.  I think my problem is I am looking at food and trying to mold the way I think to control it.  I think, like the original author talked about, I need to look inside myself and figure out why I CAN eat crap. Despite knowing that I should not be doing this, like driving drunk, I will still eat those snack pies.

Much like taking the Red Pill I think this is just something that I need to close my eyes and do.  No longer will I allow myself to struggle with food choices.  I will believe that these things are just things that I do not eat and that is it.  Like driving drunk or striking a woman, that is not who I am and there is nothing to struggle with anymore.

Easier said, or written, then done I think but if any of this were easy all of us would be dominating every aspect of our lives.

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Don't Rock The Boat

When I first started this process I really struggled with if I should keep it a secret.  Do I tell my wife, or try and hide it.

Just as some background there have been a lot of things over the years I have hid from my wife.  Beta me had a hamster who rationalized that keeping things from her was better than the truth.  As my marriage has continued to fall apart I learned that honestly is the best policy.  I mean when she is pissed off at me most of the time what more can it hurt.

But I made the decision to somewhat keep this from her.  Now, I wasn't trying real hard, but I didn't openly talk about it with her.  She saw I was dressing nicer and my answers to her questions became ones that she didn't like anymore.

"We are soul mates who will be together forever" transformed into "I can't guarantee you a life together".  She hated it but hopefully she has more respect for me.  I also look at this as good practice for when I eventually move on with my life.

Recently things have changed a bit.  She found my copy of The-Married-Life-Primer-2011.  I had my copy of No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy delivered at home.  In the past I would have stuff delivered to my work but like I said, I have nothing to hide.

So she is aware I am doing something be she as a hard time understanding what, and why, I'm doing it.  When No More Mr Nice Guy arrived the first things she texted me was why I was so unhappy with my family.   I responded that I was unhappy with myself, but I don't think it really mattered.

She is becoming more aware every day.  Not of the existence of the Red Pill, or that I've taken it.  She, like Neo, just has a sense that things in her world are not as they had seemed for many years.

One of the things I've struggled with as an adult, especially with my wife, is my beta passive aggressive way of dealing with things.  There is a part of me that thinks not hiding this, or telling her, is being PA in how I'm dealing with the changes.  I'm not ready yet to dive into that discussion with myself.  Maybe one day, but not today.

Much of my life with her has been spent trying to do what was needed to not rock the boat.  Stay the course and hope things would work themselves out.  How many times have I done something not because I wanted to but because I was avoiding dealing with her anger and sarcasm.  If I really think about that could also be said of my entire life.  How much money have I left on the table because I didn't want to put my neck out for a promotion or new job.

It's easy to focus on the physical stuff, and also the sex, when talking about the Red Pill but I think I really need to take some time and think more about other aspects of my life.  Attacking the gym and my diet was easy, but how about attacking the other problem areas of my life.

Don't just take the Red Pill for your dick, take it for everything will be my new motor.

Monday, July 29, 2013

Long Time No Post

I won't say it's been a rough few weeks, because it really hasn't.

What I can say, however, is that blogging has never been, and never really will be, a top priority for me.  There are many bloggers, not just manosphere ones, who clearly are great writers and really enjoy it.  They are more likely to skip a workout then not post something.  You also get the sense that many of them see blogging as a way to get their foot in the door of a potential paying writing job.

I don't really enjoy writing.  As a dyslexic the written word has always been a struggle with me, and it still is.  But I write because it's an outlet for my thoughts and as I recently learned it keeps me honest.

The past few weeks have just been very full for me.  Traveling with Killer K's team and working lots to finish some big projects sitting in front of my computer and typing just took a back seat, but so did some other things.

I have not missed any workouts but they were not very good.  My diet has really sucked and my alpha around the house has been weak.  I don't blame this on not writing, but going several weeks without posting has kind of fed into not having anything to post about.  Just like working out taking the Red Pill requires goals, focus, and work.  I allowed myself to become consumed by other things recently and have let much of my other things slide.

I didn't gain 50 pounds or start dressing like a slob again but there are subtle things that started to slip.  Shaving every day and working on non-weight type workouts started to slip.  Watching what I ate and putting effort into my diet morphed into what was available and easy.

So today I am committing to restart my effort.  Like most men who blog about being a sexless beta I am not a natural in shape alpha.  I would like to be, and I think I will be one day, but it takes a constant daily effort on my part.  When the required stuff starts to take over it's easy to let the other non-essentials slide.  But that is not being alpha.

Being Alpha, to me at least, means to take charge of your life and become the leader/captain of it and not just a passenger.  Starting today it is back to square one.

As my friend in high school was fond of saying:

"Today is the first day of the rest of your life"

There is no point in worry about what happened since I can't change it.  My goal is to learn and get better from the experience.  I am not proud of how I handled these past few weeks, but it's in the past now and I will move on.

Today truly is the first day of the rest of my life.  And I will live it the way I want.

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

If A Fat Girl Gives You an IOI....

Does it really happen?

One of the more common themes I see on many manosphere sites is the idea that an IOI (Indication of Interest) is a good barometer of how much alpha someone has gained.

For most guys, when the young cashier at the Quckie Mart says have a nice day, she really just means have a nice day.  But for a recent Red Pill convert, what he hears is "Take me in the back room and have your way with me".  How the girl responded to you is no different, but how each person interprets it is.  The guy getting the IOI really has no idea if the cashier is being anything other than nice.  His frame, however, has him believing that she wants him.

This is where the fat girl reference comes in.  Inevitably, if someone posts they got an IOI, it was a pretty girl who is always younger and hotter than their wife or girlfriend.  The incident itself could very well have been real, but because the guy finds her attractive her simple act of being nice becomes an IOI.  Indication of Interest again.  Her actual intent is just to be nice, but Mr Alpha's frame interprets that as wanting him.  This then allows him to go home, treat his wife like crap, then post on some message board about how awesome he is.  If, however, he does not find the girl attractive then the exact same IOI just becomes a girl being nice.

My problem with this is again, each person is not seeing what is really happening.  A guy is supposed to take the Red Pill and then clearly see the world around him.  Instead he see it through his new Alpha glasses.  Every hot girl within 10 feet of him now wants him, and any woman who he doesn't find attractive could throw herself at him and he won't see it.  What is better is if he also mentions that he has only been mapping a few weeks and he can tell that the girl is looking at him because of all his new muscle.

I mentioned this in a previous posting how guys who do this are not really seeing clearly.  They are still forcing the issue to try and frame themselves in a certain way.  What's worse is that they then use this self created vision of themselves to judge others against.  Most will never admit it but they are often mad at their wives and girlfriends because they won't given them anal like the cashier surely would.  I mean she said have a nice day, what more evidence do you need!!!!

The reason for me posting this was because I just went through this myself.  Here in the North East it's pool time.  I enjoy the time outside with the kids and it's nice to cool off on a hot day.  But I will also admit that I have a bathing suit fetish and I like to go to the pool to see women in bathing suits.  On an average day there may be 100 people at the pool and only 5 or 6 are worth looking at.  The problem is when one of those women decides to sit next to me, which in reality is 30 feet away, my frame said she wants to be near me.

I can certainly appreciate the fantasy that type of frame can create, but it is still fantasy.  The only difference is that I took the Red Pill.  The pill is completely symbolic in that it's a statement of my wanting to change, but it can't do the work for me.  I still need to want to see the reality of my world and work every day to accept it.  Pretending that some hot girl really wants me is not being Alpha, or having a great frame, it's just being intellectually lazy and living in a fantasy world STILL.  It's not really that different from taking the Blue Pill.  It's a fantasy creation of the real world.  It may be a different fantasy then what you saw before taking the pills, but it's still a made up creation of your own imagination.

Most guys who start this journey really like to focus on the physical side of transforming ourselves and I'm not any different.  But we all must commit to making real changes so we don't fall into bad habits.  Not seeing the world clearly as an Alpha is no better then not seeing it as a Beta.  It is still an artificial construct and must be broken through so we can live in the real world.

Friday, July 5, 2013

So Why Do I Blog?

There are probably as many reasons to start a blog as there are people who write them, but I just wanted to put my idea out there for why I choose to blog..

Not too long ago I cam across an old journal.

You see I, like I think many people, always take the start of the new year to try and make some changes to my life.  Over the years I have had different ideas on what I wanted to do and what I wanted to change about myself.

And nearly every-time I started this process, I wrote about it in my journal.  I don't think the individual entries are all that important so I won't post anything about them.  What I did find fascinating is how my views, and writing, changed over the years.  What was important enough to write several pages about 10 years ago is hardly worth two lines today.  I could also imagine my younger self having a good laugh over all the old guy stuff I focus on now.

Right or wrong, good or bad, my journal is the road map of all the places my head has been over years.

And that is why I blog.  I'm not so full of myself to think that anyone really cares about what I have to say on most things.  I may eventually become a better writer and get a following, but truthfully I'm blogging just so I can come back and read it later.  My first posting for this blog was a little over two months ago, and even just over that time I can see some changes.  Nothing earth shattering, but subtle enough that I enjoy looking at my posts.

I can't wait to see how different I will be a year from now or ten years from now.  The physical/male side is easy to track by looking at the weights I life and how often I have sex, but the internal stuff that I think is actually more important is much harder to see.

How many of us now track what we eat, or how much we lift, but never thought to keep track of what's going on in our heads.   The physical/male side is easy to track but the internal stuff that I think is actually more important and is also much harder to see.  Many of us start the Red Pill journey by trying to improve our physical selves but the real point of all this is to improve the whole person.

Like my lifting or diet log this blog is just a snapshot of today.  Nothing more or less, but it's still something that has proven to be very interesting.And like my other logs once I hit a certain number I should be able to maintain it without backsliding.  That doesn't always happen in the gym, and can say without hesitation it doesn't always happen in my head either.

I blog to keep a record of where I have been, what I've done to move forward, and were I have moved to.

So far it's been fun and a good outlet for what is usually hidden in my head.

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Is Alpha Paleo?

Average Married Dad has been on a tear recently with his postings so I figure I needed to put something up.

A recent post from him got me thinking about the bigger picture of being an Alpha.

Instead of Staying Married

The post is in response to something on the MMSL forum.  Like always I will paraphrase.

Guy threatens to abandon his wife and kids to prove a point about who is in charge of the house.

That's it.  Nothing long or elaborate.  Given the cancer that has started to grow on the MMSL board (the asshole is alpha cancer) I stopped reading it but I looked at a few lines from this posting.  This guy is a great example of the alpha/asshole transformation.  The thread goes on with people saying by threatening to abandon his family he was taking control, and a small few called him on his behavior.

AMD didn't say this exactly, but I would venture a guess that he like myself really feels sorry for these guys who think they need to be borderline abusive, or in this case truly abusive, to take control of their family and lives.  I don't understand it, and I don't want to understand it.

But where is the Paleo connection?  Well I'm glad you asked.

On most any Paleo site, just like the Red Pill sites, you will find a wide variety of opinions of what counts as being either Alpha, or Paleo.  Asking if coconut oil is Paleo is not really that different from asking if abandoning you family is Alpha.  Now I want to be clear that there are some areas where there is no debate.

I don't care how many times you put Paleo on the bag a loaf of bread will never be Paleo.  And for the most part there is universal acceptance that a highly processed food, now matter how healthy it is supposed to be, is not really Paleo. But what about bacon, or coconut aminos, or honey?  These are the grey area questions.

I also don't care how many times a guy writes that he took the Red Pill.  If he is standing in the middle of the mall holding his wifes purse while she is ordering a coffee then I would say he is color blind.  But what about the guy who thinks leading his family means he needs to dominate his wife.  That taking the Red Pill means breaking her like a wild horse.  What if he cancels her bank card and only allows her to spend money when he is around?

For me, personally, bacon is fine as a Paleo food, and I don't need to abusively dominate my wife to lead my family.  I admit I am still struggling with the bank card thing but so far we are eeking by without any major damage.

When I first thought about this post, and wanting to write about a so called Alpha abandoning his family I was going to rip this guy a new asshole.  In the end though my take away is that his definition of alpha has nothing to do with mine.  Like I've said before he is not wrong, and I am not right.  It's simply the choices that we all make everyday on our journey.

I will with all my heart and soul disagree with the way he treats his wife, but it is his life.  How someone else defines Alpha, or Paleo, will never change the way I live.  I may never be alpha by the MMSL standard, but if that means I am good husband and father who leads my family without needing to threaten them, I'm fine with that.  Many men these days seem more interested in a label then in actually living a great life.  Happy to say I am not one of them.

One of the most alpha things a man can do, is to stop worrying about what all the other men are doing and saying.  Don't just be your own the best man you can possibly be.  Find your true self and live.  Hopefully your true self is not an abusive asshole, but many men are more than happy to embrace that lifestyle.  It's just not, nor will it ever, be for me.

Thursday, June 20, 2013

What...You Think You're Better Than Me?????

In the event you are living under a rock the AMA this week classified obesity as a disease.

AMA Classifies Obesity as a Disease

This was big news in some places, but it has exploded on many many manosphere sites.  Even the ladies are getting in on the action. Of course my favorite submissive lap dog wife chimed in on this as well.

The fist thing you notice is that for many of the self proclaimed beautiful people being 10 pounds over weight is considered obese.  It's an interesting number because to read their blogs they all want to loose more weight, but it's never enough to qualify themselves as obese.  No, only other people have that problem.

Of course none of them seem smart enough to know that medically defined obesity, like the AMA is talking about, is actually medically defined.  Some skinny blogger complaining about that last 5 pounds is not really qualified to decide who is obese.  But let's not let medical science get in the way of them feeling better.

The second thing you notice is they think if a person is obese it's because of personal choices.  The idea that there is an actual medical reason for a person's weight is just beyond them.  Again, I understand that many of these bloggers are not the sharpest tack in the box and they struggle with many concepts, but it does seem universal that thin people assume it's easy for everyone to be thin.

Lastly they also think that every overweight person in the world now will just belly up to the all you can eat buffet because they have no control anymore.  This is similar to my second point in that they just can not comprehend how a person would be different from them.  Why everyone would not want to be like them is inconceivable, and yes that word does mean what I think it does.

For most people, not being obese is a matter of effort.  Watch what you eat, get some exercise, make healthy choices and it all works out.  You may never look like magazine model but you can be a healthy person with some effort.  But I did say most people.  There are many who do have real medical issues that require medical intervention. Simply telling them to eat less and move more is no more help then telling Bobby Brady that hanging from the swing set out back will make him taller.  It might make the self important blogger feel better, but that advice only works in their world.

The reality here is that by defining obesity as a disease the medical community, and by extension medical insurance, will be better able to help people who have a real need.  While there will be people who will use this as an excuse, I think they are the exception, not the rule.  An interesting side note here is that most of the criticism of the AMA, and obese people in general, is not coming from the health and fitness community.  I would venture a guess that most health PROFESSIONALS (capitalized for emphasis) are happy with the decision and hope it will help them in treating their obese clientele.

Look around the manosphere enough and you will see plenty of examples of men who have taken the Red Pill and are using it as an excuse to be complete assholes.  You will also see plenty of women who worship the ground they walk on, and I do mean that literally in case of Red Pill Wifery.  Like obesity, these are the exceptions not the rule.

I took the Red Pill and it has allowed me to see myself.  I can also see the world around me and understand that not everyone has the same goal as me.  Not every person will make the same life choices as myself, and that's OK. Like I have mentioned before, the Red Pill will only show you the reality of the world around you.  You can pretend to take the pill and then attack people who are different, or you can take the pill and accept the reality.

I am not in great shape, but I'm in better shape than many people.  I am in better shape, but I am not better than them.  I made the decision to improve myself, and one area I am working on is my physical appearance.  This is my choice.  My choice is best for me, but it is no better or worse than another person's choice.

Looking at the world and assuming that every obese person is obese by choice is no different than looking at the world and assuming that every woman wants to be the submissive servant of their asshole husband.  You can lead a person to the Red Pill, but you can't make them see.

Thursday, June 13, 2013

Nurture, Nature, BBW

I had been mulling this idea around in my head for some time and a recent posting by Average Married Dad finally got me to write it.

Skinny Husbands, Fat Wives

As I've said before I won't use this blog as a platform to bash my wife but I can say that she is not thin.  To be honest she doesn't have the frame to really be thin, but that is not my point.

In order to really get my point I will give some background.

My first girlfriend in high school was pretty hot.  Pretty, ran track, active with a nice rack.  She was not porn start hot, but she was hot by my standards.  She was my first sexual partner and while it wasn't anything earth shattering I do have fond memories of her.  I was a boobs and leg guy and she was perfect for me.

In college my girlfriend was also hot.  She was this tiny little thing with long black hair, liked to work out, and had a set of boobs that was mesmerizing.  She had the kind of rack that many guys would say if they had to choose a way to die, being smothered in her bosom would be the way to go.  She was also open to sexually experiment and I loved it.  Nothing crazy or dangerous, but she was very open minded.  She seemed happy to indulge my spandex fetish and to this day I think about some of the afternoons we spent together.  Again, I was a legs and boobs guy and this worked out great.

Fast forward to today and I'm a full on ass junky.  I've never really thought about the transition until recently, but it did happen.  My wife, even when we first met and she was much thinner (but never really thin), didn't have a great rack but I liked all of her.  But as time has gone on, and she has gained weight, my interest in her has gone from the front to the back.  The fact that when we were dating she would, on rare occasion, allow me to have anal with her didn't help any but I have changed.

I touched on this in a previous post but I often think that we, as a defense mechanism, learn to enjoy what we have.  Do I really love my career, or is it just way of not feeling like an idiot for spending so many years doing something I don't like.  Am I really an ass man, or is that just what's available to me so I've learned to love it.

The real kicker is what if I have always been an ass man but was lying to myself back in college.  Heavy stuff but irrelevant right now.

The bigger point I am trying to make now comes around to the Red Pill.

Taking the Red Pill will show you the reality of the world around you, but it should also show you the reality of YOU!!!  As Average Married Dad mentioned so people do like larger women.  Despite the pressure the the PUA community likes to put out there a women who is so thin that you can see her spine is not the least bit attractive to me.  Add in some huge fake boobs and the PUA's are in a frenzy but not me.

I don't really know who I am, or what I will ultimately like.  Maybe as I continue to loose weight and get in better shape and health my wife will come along and we will get back to where we were.  But right now, looking at myself, I just don't know.

I do know, however, that taking the Red Pill should mean more then just sex.  It should mean that you open your eyes to the reality of who you are now, and who you really are and will become later.  I think it's easy to start demanding your wife be more submissive to your commands because you took a figurative pill.  I think it's a lot harder, however, to turn your focus inside and work to make some real changes.

I, for one, need to focus on this much more.  And maybe in the end I will be a better person for it.

Friday, June 7, 2013

The Over Inflated Alpha Ego

I've noticed a pattern these last few posting that I am going to stop.  I started this blog as an online journal of my own journey but seem to be focusing a lot of my time writing about other people.  While I enjoy the academic exercise of picking apart the failings of a self proclaimed alpha it is not helping me any.

So I'm going to stop doing it.......right after this past.

I saw this posting on Athol's site not long ago but let it go.  But then it popped up again with some commentary from my favorite submissive wife.


Long story short Mr Super Alpha puts the moves on his wife while she is on her period.  Apparently they were going somewhere and his wife might not be able to bring him to orgasm for a few days.  Mr Super Alpha decided that was just way to long to go without his wife servicing him so he pushed the issue.

As expected his wife, after spending the better part of a week bleeding from her vagina, reacted poorly.  Rather than admitting he was a complete asshole for initiating in the first place he decides that his wife needs to be punished for not submitting to his wants.  There is that submissive wife thing so popular among the self proclaimed alpha set.

His punishment for her is he turns off the "Love Express" as he calls it.  The post really goes downhill from there as he spends the rest of it going on and on about how awesome he is and how old and shriveled his wife is.

I get it.  He is God's gift to women of the world and his wife's loss is the gain of females everywhere.  I'm sure just reading that he might leave his wife turned millions of vaginas into Niagara Falls.

He is Mr Super Alpha.  He could have any women he wants and they are all much younger and hotter than the one he has right now.

He is Mr Super Alpha and is ready to leave for the greener pastures filled with hot young women who are all but throwing themselves at him now.

He is Mr Super Alpha........and then his wife offers him sex and he is in love with her again.

I had to do a double take on that as well.  He spends an entire post trying to convince us that he is a totally awesome specimen of alpha male who is married to a shriveled old woman and ends it with him falling in love with her again because of the sex.

I have no problem with the dynamic or the narrative he attempted to give but he is clearly someone with a very over inflated sense of himself relative to the world around him.  The entire post wreaks of machismo that is usually only found in a college football locker room.  But here we have a grown man claiming that he could walk out his door and find a half dozen hot young women willing to have sex with him.

Taking the Red Pill is supposed to show you the world, your world, as it is.  But clearly there are many men who take the pill only wanting to see the world as they want it.  Big difference.

Maybe this guy is totally made of awesome and women the world over would fight to the death for the chance to be under his thumb.  Mostly likely his new view of the world is based on his own created narrative of how awesome he is.  The fact that this worked on his wife, sort of, is not really the point for me.

The point for me is that some anonymous poster on a message board went to great lengths to explain how great and alpha he is and why he is so much better than his homely wife only to take her back because of sex.

I guess that is what they mean by keeping frame.  Just that Mr Super Alpha apparently keeps his frame hanging from his cock.  Anyone who has access to his cock, has access to his frame.

Monday, June 3, 2013

The Red Pill Beta

Last week Ian Ironwood made a posting about a guy who calls himself Beta Dad.


Like many of Ian's posts, it's very deep and thought provoking and way over my head.  His commentary was more about the reaction of other people to a specific post that Beta Dad wrote.

Below is how Beta Dad responded to many of the people critical of his original article.


I'll start off by saying that other than the above posting I have never, nor will I ever, read any of Beta Dad's writing. Nothing against the guy, and to be honest I actually have a lot of respect for what he is doing.  It can't be easy, as a man, to admit you essentially want to be the woman in the relationship. But from what I have read he has absolutely nothing to add to my life journey beyond a really great example of exactly what I don't ever want to be.

But again, my interest in all this is not for the obvious.  The title of my posting, The Red Pill Beta, may seem contradictory to many.  I am going to go out on a limb and say that Beta Dad at some point in the past took the Red Pill.

Let's take a few steps back and really look at his situation.  He recognizes that his wife makes the money and runs the house.  His job is to support the family and his wife in any way needed.  Real Beta stuff, but he is not pretending to be anything other than a Beta.  In the end, isn't the Red Pill just about seeing the reality of your own world.  The Red Pill is not about answers, or direction, or Beta/Alpha.  The Red Pill can only offer truth and reality.  Nothing more, and nothing less.

I've mentioned before, and here is another good example, of how we all live in different worlds.  My reality, of where my life is now and where I want it to one day be, is the complete opposite of Beta Dad.  But we are both OK with that.  I am not right, and he is not wrong, in how choose to live our lives.  They are different, but neither is more right than the other.

The only problem that I do have, is that Beta Dad clearly needs another shot of Red Pill.  He was willing to be a stay at home dad raising his kids and tending to the house as needed in the beginning but clearly there are cracks in the foundation now.  He is looking at other women and having fantasies, which is no big deal.  But his guilt gives a window into his mind and his feelings towards his wife.  He feels guilty because the balance that most men keep between stranger fantasy and real intamacy with his wife is not longer balanced.

Rather than accept that his fantasy life is showing a lack of attraction to his wife he chooses to stand on his soapbox and punch himself in the balls.  I won't watch, but it would be interesting to see how this develops.  The internal struggle he is having between his feelings as a man, and his belief in what a Beta should do will be very educational for many to watch.

Taking the Red Pill is the first step for many men on this journey, but the destination isn't defined by the pill.  Being an Alpha/Beta/Gamma/Omega/Psi or whatever Greek letter you pick is up to the person taking the pill.  The Red Pill will not show you anything beyond the reality of your world.  What you do with that reality is ultimately what will define you.

Friday, May 31, 2013

Your Equation Is Missing Some Variables

I saw this posting some time ago and wanted to put my spin on it.


The post itself is interesting, and like usual I will save everyone from having to read the whole thing.

So here is the condensed version:
Above picture is posted....
People are asked to rate which girl is hotter....
Results are that most guys choose the girl on the left......
And the final reveal is the girl on the right is a pre-operative transsexual.

Hilarity then ensues.

Now I fully admit that when I fist took the survey I picked the girl on the left.  And I also get it that the point of the posting was to try and show that beauty/attractiveness/hotness is somewhat universal.  Guys, for the most part, have predefined things that we find attractive in a female and the picture is a good example of what those things are.

But like my other postings, my interest here is not in the obvious.  Read down into the comments and that is when it get's interesting.

It took a few people, but eventually you start seeing guys posting about how hot the girl on the left is.  I admit she is pretty, and again I did pick her, but can you really define how hot she is just based on a picture.  My fantasy version of her might be hot, but is that the reality.

Recently there was a girl at a sporting event that got a lot of TV coverage.  She was in the right spot at the right time and the cameras caught her.  The local sport stations went nuts trying to find her and eventually one succeeded.  She was young, pretty, and available so they had her on the radio for a dating game.  I followed along until she opened her mouth.

Saying she was a dumb as a box of hammers would be an insult to hammers.  Add that to one of the most annoying voices you could imagine and you have this girl that guys were calling in for the chance of getting a date.

This is one, if not THE, biggest reasons why I don't even get caught up in the sex rank garbage.  Because I don't think they are accurate beyond what a guys penis thinks.  The girl in the picture is pretty, but I am not ready to blather on about drinking her bath water just because she has blonde hair and big boobs.

Now my view, and the view of people who posted on that blog, has to be taken with a big pinch of reality salt.  Chateau Heartiste is a blog aimed at the PUA community so most of the guys are just looking for the next place to stick their dicks.  I look at that picture as a middle age father.  While I, and the PUA guys, admit the girl is pretty, I can't take the leap to hot that these other guys do.

As I had mentioned the other day:


Everyone who takes the Red Pill will be able to see the reality of their own world, but not everyone lives in the same reality.  It's great fun to look at all the other postings in the Manosphere and enjoy the different thoughts and ideas, but not everything works for everyone.

One of the things I am learning about being an Alpha Male, is that it can't be easily defined.  It's not as simple as a list of bullet points to be followed.  Like in math, we are all governed by the equations of our lives.  The outcome to be alpha is the same, but the variables that make up each of our equations are not.  My needs, and variables, as a 42 year of married father are not the same as a 22 year of PUA.  Neither of us is right or wrong in what we are doing as long as we are seeing the reality of our world and responding appropriately.

If you saw the girl as hot, or possibly hot, or not at all then you are right.  If you saw this as an inappropriate question because it's wrong to even try and evaluate a woman then take a few more Red Pills and come back later.

Friday, May 24, 2013

Thanks For Making My Point

I will be the first one to admit that I read Adventures In Red Pill Wifery for the titillation and the not to be enlightened.  But this one did both, of sorts.

Below is a posting that really caught my eye and seems to run counter to some of what I had believed.


I've posted in the past my disdain for men who treat their wives like children.  A big part of me always believed, or wanted to believe, that this was just the men pushing their view of marriage on their wives.

Well, apparently I was wrong.  Seems like there are woman who like, and want, this kind of relationship.

I'm happy to say neither my wife or I am in that category.  As I've mentioned before, I can really see the allure of a concubine that you are legally tied to, but for me that would get old very quickly.

My point in posting this is to make sure it's clear that taking the Red Pill will allow people to see the reality of their world, but we all do actually live in different worlds.  If your wife needs, wants, and even craves to be a submissive to you then taking the pill will, hopefully, open your eyes to that and allow you to develop an awesome relationship with her.

Red Pill Wifey has a great relationship with her husband.  While the it's not the life I want, her husband has complete and total control of her after taking the pill, and that is what she wanted. Too often, however, men will take the Red Pill but be unwilling to see their own reality. An emerging "Alpha Male", fresh off of his enlightenment, will read these types of blogs coupled with his own desire to dominate his partner, and try and force this type of relationship on his wife.  A few weeks later he will be on the MMSL boards looking for advice on why his MAP isn't working.

The Red Pill reality, however, is that not every woman wants to be in a sub/dom relationship.  And not every man wants to be either.

I've recently become fascinated with the idea of male chastity.  As soon as you say that many people will assume you want to be turned into your wife's sissy maid cuckold made to service her extremely well hung black alpha lover.   But I think the majority of men, like myself, just find it fascinating as a game to play.  A week or two of chastity play seems like fun.  A lifestyle of orally cleaning up after your wife's lover does not sound like fun.

The Red Pill can not tell you which direction to go with your relationship.  It can only show you the reality of what you have created.   Ultimately the person taking the pill needs to make these decisions for themselves.

Take the pill, be honest about the reality you already have, and be honest about the reality you want.  Make your decision and own it.

Sunday, May 19, 2013

Chairman of the Board

I was over on the Married Mans Forum and came across another gem of a posting.


My wife is another person who spends an enormous amount of time on social media type sites like Facebook and pintrest.  I understand that on many levels it's an escape for her, just like us guys who watch porn and lift weights.

Like before my interest is not in the obvious ones here.  The guy is posting because his wife is doing things that she wants to do, instead of what he wants her to do.  What she is doing is just a byproduct of what is available to her which is why I don't like to get caught up in demonizing computers and technology.

Not to long ago I wrote a post about guys who are looking for very immature relationships.

But I Already Have Kids

Computer guy, and nearly all of the people who commented, seem very similar in how they deal with their wives.  Limiting her time on the computer, or putting blockers on, or even a suggestion to put a virus on her computer all point to a deeper and rather dark secret.

These men don't treat their wives like women.  They treat them like children.

The general theme of these postings and questions all revolve around how to make a grown woman do what I want her to do.  My question is why???

I do understand the concept of Captain/First Office that Athol and many other Red Pill writers discus, but I don't think that always works, or I don't think all the men out there interpret it it in a healthy way.  I think it's perfect for relationship where the woman WANTS to be submissive to her husband.  I'm starting to think, however, that for two successful and driven people, to have a man led relationship it needs to work more like a board of directors.

Reading a lot of these postings it's easy to see that many of these men don't really care what their wives want.  They expect to get sex whenever they want and do what they are told.  And the men turn into winy little bitches when that doesn't happen.  A self confident, and successful women, will eat men (or should I say boys) like this alive.

But in a board of directors their is a chairman, who steers the decisions the board makes, and also speaks on behalf of the board when needed.  However the chairman is no more or less powerful then any other member.  They each get one vote, and they both vote on their own without being told how to vote by anyone else.  This is the point that get's lost on many Red Pill sites.

Many men take the Red Pill and expect, or more likely hope, that their wives will become submisive sex slaves.  But for those of us who want to be in an alpha male led relationship with a woman whose goal in life isn't to lick my boots then a different tact is needed.

There are many happy relationships built on the Captain/First Officer model and they work great.  But if ordering your First Office to put away the computer because you NEED a blowjob isn't work, maybe you need to try treating them like a grown up and not like a child.

Thursday, May 16, 2013

You Just Want Me For Sex...

At least that's what women have been taught to believe.  More specifically, it's what my woman does believe.

This might fall under the overused, and often abused, pop-sychology crap that a lot of bloggers in the manosphere get off on but I'm wading in with my idea.  Or, more like my personal observation of a guy who took the Red Pill.

The below posting, at the Post Masculine blog, is about how an emotional breakup really wrecked him on sex and how he dealt with it.

How to stop lying to yourself

Now to bring everyone up to speed:
Guy is in a relationship with girl.
Guy has sex.
Girl emotionally destroys him.
Guy swears off sex, but not relationships.

It's an interesting read, and I think most men can take away a number of things about how we deal with ourselves, but for me the more interesting question was why he avoided sex.

Sex brings about a level of intimacy and closeness for a man that many women just don't understand.  There are men in the PUA community who can, and do, use women as nothing more than cum receptacles but I think these assholes are the exception, not the rule.  Most men, like myself, can say that marriage without sex is just being roommates.  I also feel that most women, like my wife, don't believe us.

It feels like for my wife it is just easier to accept that I'm nothing more than a well paid penis than to see me as a man who uses that penis to bring a level of closeness to a relationship that you can't get to any other way.  She, like many women I gather, see sex as just two bodies using each other for their own physical needs.  The idea that I want her for sex, and just her, to bring us closer as a couple is something she just won't or can't accept.

Like the link posted above, for a well adjusted man sex brings a level of closeness and intimacy that can't be found any other way.  By denying his subsequent girlfriends any sexual contact he was keeping a distance between them that no amount of "What are you thinking?" questions will ever break thru.  No matter how many times she tells her friends they were meant to be together, or how much they love each other, no amount of words can bridge the gap that a sexless relationship creates.

If you want to be close, and feel close to your man, then you will have to have sex with him.  As horrible as that sounds to many wives out there it's a truth that you can't talk your way out of.

As I've said before, if bad/no sex was the only problem in my relationship, I don't think I could justify ending my marriage.  But having zero closeness or intimacy with her makes all the other trivial things seem that much bigger and can make the decision to leave a lot easier.

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

This Is Why I Hate Holidays!!!

Just to be clear, I don't hate all holidays, just some.

It wasn't always this way, but I can say that my wife has completely sucked whatever joy I had gotten from them out.

I don't know if this is a world wide type of thing, but here in the US yesterday was Mother's Day.  I don't have a problem with celebrating this holiday, along with Father's Day, Presidents Day, and all the other Hallmark days.  But there comes a point where as adults, we need to accept that it's not that big of a deal.

Now if you are a total crappy person, and this turns out to be the only day you are nice to your mother, then I can see the need for some extra effort.  But I think for most of us married guys, who are married to women that have had kids, it's not supposed to be some huge over the top day.  A flower, a nice breakfast, and a break for her usual day.  Though when it comes to my wife there isn't really much to her day that she needs a break from.

Now over the course of our marriage, coming up on 18 years now, I can remember a hand full of these types of holidays that we DIDN'T fight.  Actually it wasn't so much a fight as her yelling at me for not doing something that she expected me to do, even though she didn't tell me.  But I'm an adult and can handle this.  She would have a huge blow up, sleep somewhere that I wasn't, and then in a few days calm down and we would get on with our lives.

This year, however, was different.....sort of.

You see the day went as well as any other Mother's Day.  She was angry that we didn't do enough, but she decided to vent a lot of her anger at our 13 year old daughter.

A little out of place here, but just to make things easier from now on our daughter will be referred to as Killer K, and our son will be Mr Broadway.  Now back to the show.....

It actually started the previous week when they had a plant sale at school.  My wife gave Mr Broadway money on his day at the plant sale.  He bought some huge thing and brought it home.  When it was Killer K's day at the plant sale neither of us had any cash.  I meant to stop on the way to school to give her some but I forgot.

So Killer K came home with nothing, and my wife exploded.  Yelling that she always has money to buy ice cream at school, for 1$, but didn't have the $20 a big plant at the sale cost.  And the weekend went downhill from there.

My wife even said she didn't want Killer K to eat dinner with us on Mother's Day.

Then on the next day I saw this.

This wasn't me snooping in her journal or anything, though I admit that I don't have any problem doing that.  I keep it a secret so she keep writing, but like many 13 year old girls she doesn't tell me a whole lot about what is going on in her life.  This was something she had written in a new notebook and left in the basement on the table that I keep my workout journal on.  It was meant to be seen, but I have not shown my wife.

So because of a made up holiday, that we did actually celebrate just not in the way my wife wanted, my daughter writes that her mother hates her.  I had days, as I kid, when I wasn't too happy with my parents but I can't imagine what it must take to drive a girl to write those words about her own mother.

I understand being disappointing.  Getting married, only to think how lucky I am that my wife agrees to have sex with me every couple of months, is pretty disappointing.  But I'm an adult and can deal with this.  What is a little girl to do.

I don't really know what to do with this.  I should tell my wife that she needs to work on her relationship with her daughter, but someone I think that will just turn into more yelling at my daughter and I and nothing will change.

To be honest I'm not sure why I even wrote this posting.  It doesn't really have anything to with being a man and taking the red pill but it was just something I wanted to vent on.

Looking forward now to the next made up holiday so I can go thru this all over again.

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

I'll Have the Road Kill Special!!!!

Not the best visual but hopefully it get's my point across.

As I've been on this journey I have done a good bit of soul searching.  Trying to figure myself out.  One area that has gotten a good deal of attention, as I think most guys in sexless marriages also do, has been about sex.

I've mentioned in the post no-cheating-now about my porn/masturbation problem and I've been working to get that under control.  Since I rarely if ever have sex with my wife, no masturbation turns into celibacy.  No sex, orgasm, or anything.  As the desire to have sex, and orgasm, build my resolve to not do it falls.  Eventually I find my mind going to places I never knew existed.  While I never physically pursued it I have been on Craigs List in the casual encounters section and saw lots and lots of guys like myself.  Sexless at home and desperate.  Looking for regular sex eventually leads to cross dressing guys offering to blow each other.

One thing that I have been really consumed with is the concept of male chastity.  I've actually been debating about telling my wife.  The videos and stories online about it make it seem really hot don't they, but I don't see me/us doing this full time.

To be honest I don't really see us doing it at all, but this is how the deprived male mind works.

Take someone who eats on a regular basis and offer then a meal made of road kill and they will push it away.  Put that same person on a desert island for a few days and they will be more receptive.  Give it a few weeks and they will eat food that would Make Andrew Zimmerman gag.

I think sex is a lot like that.  Once it goes away completely, like during my reset, my mind is desperate for any kind of fix and what for a person in a normal sex relationship is horrifying sounds awesome to guys like me.  At first the guys on Craigs List seemed like married gay dudes who didn't want to admit they were gay.  But after enough time I started to see how they got there, and that if I didn't do something to get my head on straight that would eventually be me.

I don't really want my wife to lock my penis away, force me to dress like a maid, and use me like a human toilet.  But she is clearly not into me now, so my own hamster starts to spin and thinks maybe she will be into that.  She doesn't have to have sex with me but it's still the physical intimacy that I really crave.  The rational person would say if she is not into you now, adding some kink won't change that, but a weak mind is easy to lead.

I can see the attraction to male chastity, and many of the kinky lifestyle choices, but maybe in small doses for me.  But I would need a willing partner, and that is something I don't have right now.

My main point in writing this is so I remember to always evaluate the whole situation.  Don't do something stupid just because I want to right now.  I will be honest and admit that the idea of wearing heals and a chastity device while orally servicing a guy wearing a dress in a viewing booth at the adult book store can seem hot, but it doesn't get me to what I ultimately want.

Life, and love, is a marathon.  Don't make any rash decisions and keep your eye on the finish line.

P.S. I have to say that I wrote this earlier today, while on looking for chastity devices and trying to figure out how to ask my wife.  I came back to post this a little later and simply writing this has made me feel a lot better.  I'm working on another post about why I blog, and I think this showed me another reason.  Just putting these ideas out there has really cleared my head and taught me another lesson.  Just put it all out there.  I do, and will, feel much better after and it has really helped me to recognize what was going on in my own head.

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

Just Do the Burpees Already!!!!

I'm not really a fan of Crossfit.

Actually, to be specific, I don't like the company called Crossfit.  Like many I despise much of their marketing material and find the whole notion that they invented something that many of us were doing decades ago very annoying.

I do, however, like the fitness model they use in the boxes.  One of the reasons I think people are drawn to it is because the program is effective, but I don't think it's for the reason people think.

The idea of timed circuit weight training, or metabolic conditioning, is not new.  People have been doing that for a long time.  Adding in olympic and gymnastic movements adds variety but again, I don't think the movements themselves are what really work.

I think the reason people have great sucess is because of the white board.  Your average guy/gal looking to get in shape will go to a gym and decide to do 45 minutes of stuff.  The only person holding them accountable for what they do is themselves.  If they do more or less than last time it's only on them.  Things like I don't feel well, or I'm tired, or I have a lot of stuff going on at work all creep into the mind and can give anyone a reason to not push.

But knowing that at the end of your workout your name and time/reps will be put up for all to see keeps you honest.  You will push yourself because everyone is, and because everyone will see what you did.

I think the idea of personal accountability in a workout is something that many people, like myself, either don't have or lost at some point.  I fully admit there are times when I just go thru the motions of my workout.  I'm tired/hungry/distracted/etc...take your pick.  Some of them are honest reasons, but most are excuses for not pushing myself.

And this is where the burpees come in.  I would often pick easier movements, or ones that I enjoy doing, when putting together my training.  Avoiding the tough movements and focusing on the stuff I was good at allowed me to push what I wanted, and not what I needed.  But I am starting to realize that avoiding the hard stuff doesn't help me.  And in many ways it hurts by allowing me to think it's OK to not do stuff you don't like.

Just like taking the Red Pill, doing burpees was, and is, tough for me.  But just like the Red Pill it's a necessity for my life to move forward.  Embrace the suck, and you will one day be able to embrace the life you want.

Monday, April 29, 2013

So Why Did You Move In With Me?

It's been nearly 20 years now, but this is how it started.

My wife and I had been dating for about 6 months when my apartment lease was up.  I lived close to my job in a somewhat developed suburb of Philadelphia.  It was boring but had a supermarket, gym, and my job.  Now this was a Co-op job at a place that had nothing for me once my 6 months was finished.  So I was stuck with nothing to do in a boring place to live.

My wife lived in Olde City Philadelphia.  She had a really cool studio loft apartment within walking distance of everything.  Over the course of a few months, when my job finished, I essentially moved in.  We never really talked about, it just happened.  I had no reason to go back to my apartment, and to be honest I didn't want to go back.  I also saved a lot of money working crazy hours at my job with nearly no expenses. I didn't have to work for a while and after graduating from college I just took a break.

The reason I didn't go back was something that came up this past weekend, with my kids asking about where I used to live.

I moved in for a number of reasons.  She worked during the day so I wandered around the city.  I would also go to different markets and get interesting things to make for dinner when she got home.  I also enjoyed spending time with her and thought the relationship could continue to grow.  But one of the other reasons, that of course today doesn't exist, is we had sex.  Lots and lots of awesome sex.

Fast forward to this weekend and my wife expects me to say that I couldn't live without my soul mate and that is why I moved in.  I won't say it's revisionist history because maybe that is what she really thought.  I highly doubt it, but maybe it was.

My kids never asked why we moved in, they were just curious about where this happened.  They have no interest in the why, and telling them my answer or my wife's would probably just weird them out.  My wife is the one who brought up the why, and she was not the least bit happy that I didn't give her any answer, let alone the answer she wanted.  I know what she wanted me to say.  I have been down this road with her many many times.

Only now, I travel this road as a Red Pill/Recovering Beta.  In the past I would have given her the answer she wanted.  And in return for that I would have been given the opportunity to go jerk off in the basement because she still would not have had sex with me.  Instead of telling the truth, which would have been inappropriate in front our kids, I choose not to say anything.

I won't say it's a good thing for our relationship, yet, but it certainly feels empowering when I consciously make decisions like this.  My passive aggressive response in the past would have been a "whatever you say" making me feel crappy about not standing up and also make her angry.  She was still angry, but it wasn't my fault.

I am not happy about where our relationship is now, and I won't pretend that it's always been this way.  She may hate me for not giving in, but I am starting to learn how to respect MYSELF, which is something I have been struggling with since taking the Red Pill.

Yesterday was just one more step forward on my journey of reclaiming my life and masculinity.

Friday, April 26, 2013

Am I Really That Shallow?

One of the more angry bloggers I follow, Judgy Bitch, wrote a piece about why men might stray in a marriage.  She referenced a number of things, but one of them was a hooker who has written a book.

Hooker Advice

Beyond a late night online porn induced delusional fantasy,  I've never seriously thought of cheating on my wife with anyone let alone a prostitute.  As I've eluded to before I have an issue with doing that while supposedly being committed. What really struck me about this posting, and many posting all over the Manosphere is simply....

Am I really that shallow?

My marital problems go well beyond sex, but if that was it....if the only problem was my sexless marriage...would it be enough to drive me to end the marriage, or simply cheat.  Are my needs and want for sex that powerful and controlling over me that they need to be met at any cost?

Maybe one of the reasons it's taken me so long to even look for the Red Pill, let along take it, is because I don't really understand myself.  Am I supposed to be able to walk away from my marriage just because of sex.

Like many of the Red Pill concepts what if this one also get's twisted.  A man will walk away because he is only having sex once every few months like myself.  But what if he is having sex three times a week but he still feels it's not enough.. He has built up such a compelling delusional vision of himself that he will walk away from his family because his wife doesn't want to be his live in full time slave.  That he deserves this whole "sex on demand" and if he doesn't get it he is gone.

As I've mentioned before in But I Already Have Kids I think it's real easy for some guys to use the Red Pill as an excuse to control the immature women they are attracted to.  Someone looses a few pounds and all of a sudden then are god's gift to their wives and expect to be worshiped.

I want more sex in my marriage, but that is only one part of what is going on with me.  For any guy who is contemplating leaving or cheating on the wives my advice to them is the same advice I am trying to live by....

Get You Shit Together!!!!

Because if you are willing to leave your family over sex, I would guess that the sex is only cover for how fucked up you, and your life, really are.

Friday, April 19, 2013

But I Already Have Kids

I was lurking on the MMSL forum, as I often do, and came across this gem.

She Slapped Me

The guy posted about what to do now that his wife slapped him. Seems like he had an argument, and in his dealing with his wife, she slapped him.

There were a number of comments about the fact that in his original posting he mentioned that due to some disrespectful behavior he spanked his wife.  As in put her over his knee and gave her a spanking.

A number of posters, including Athol, commented on why he was allowed to strike his wife but she was not.  That's about when I stopped reading.

From what little I did read of this guys posting, and I am purposefully not calling him a man, you could take the word "wife" and replace it with "child" and not change anything.  I fully admit I don't, nor do I want to, understand Domestic Discipline, but spanking a grown person for "disrespecting" just seem extremely childish.  He seems like the kind of douche who as a kid would take his ball and go home because he didn't get his way.

This guy is the poster child for how the Red Pill can be twisted, and when your First Office just becomes your Janitor.

I am the last person who should be judging someone elses marriage given how bad mine is, but after reading that I feel much better about where we are.

You see, I married a woman.  A full grown, mature, productive member of society woman.  We have two kids, and that is enough for me.  I do understand the need to spank a child.  Often times only the threat of a swat on the backside will get thru to them that a certain behavior is unacceptable, but I will never understand spanking an adult.  Now that doesn't mean that I have not in my past played with role playing spanking, but treating your spouse like a child just seems ridiculous.

It's ridiculous to think that a man married a woman who is so immature that what works with a child will actually work on her.  But what is also ridiculous is that this guy is so emotionally immature that he actively sought out someone who is equally immature.

If you want to raise a child than have kids, but treating your spouse like a child is about as far from being Red Pill as anything I've seen.

Friday, April 12, 2013

Put Down the Book, and Pick Up Your....


There I said it.

It's amazing how many of the Red Pill sites have a real heavy Religious side.  The above posting is not Red Pill, but it illustrates a point.

Just to quickly paraphrase the item:

Guy get's married.
Guy let's himself completely go on every level.
Woman moves on.
Guy blames her.

The part that I find really disturbing is how many people are blaming the woman.  Since it's a Christian site they all quote the good book about why the woman should stay no matter what.  I've even seen people posting on sites that physical abuse is not a reason, given by the Bible of course, to end a marriage.

Alpha Game also commented on this posting, which is actually where I saw it.

Here is the part that really bothers me.  This guy let's himself go and the general consensus is that the woman broke her marital contract by having the affair.

I will admit that she did break her vows, and I have personal reasons for not having any respect for a person who cheats while married.  Be a man, or woman, and end the marriage before starting a new relationship.

I am working on another posting on a similar topic but it's just amazing the double standard that exists.  Woman get's fat, guy has an affair, and Red Pill community tells him it's the wife's fault because she got fat.  That if our wives don't cook, clean, raise the kids, and bring us our slippers and offer a blow job when we get home that they should be kicked to the curb.  The guy, however, can let himself go and become a complete waste of space and if the woman leaves then she gets called out.

There is nothing magical about the Red Pill.  It won't solve your, or my, marital problems.  But it does seem like there are many who think that.  Simply stating, in some public way, that you have taken it won't make your wife or girlfriend forget the fact that you are a looser.

Sorry, but there is no pill, no matter what color, that will do that.  The Red Pill only allows you to see what is going on.  The ability to change that requires effort.

Regardless of what my wife does, only I am responsible for me and the life I have.  It would be so much easier, like all these other so called men have done, to just blame her but if a man want's to be a true alpha then the only person he can blame is himself.

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Boy That Really Sucked

To say that March 2013 was a bad month for me would be an understatement.

Well, not the whole month, just the last two weeks.

I fell off the diet/workout/MAP wagon.

To be honest, I fell off the wagon, got pulled under the wheels, and was dragged for a good 100 miles.  March started good, but then I got sick and it was all downhill from there.

I was thinking about what to post here and it was hard to think of anything that just didn't sound like an excuse.  And to be blunt, these are just excuses.

We all have them.  A bad day, week, whatever, that starts us down that slippery slope.  One snack leads to a slice of cake leads to a plate of loaded fries and before you/I know it we are down the slope and over the cliff.

It's good to take note of times like this and use them to reinforce my resolve, and to also learn that it's not permanent.  I screwed up, but no one died or anything like that.  I gained a few pounds, lost a little strength, and my wife is again not the least bit interested in me, but I'm OK.

As the bumper sticker says "Shit Happens".  Clean it up and move on.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life.  Learn from the past but don't dwell.

Easier to write than do but let's see how it goes.

Starting at the end

I don't have much contact with other men going thru this so it may be very common but my epiphany from this past weekend was this.

I'm MAPing to bide my time.

Just to be clear, I am MAPing for myself, as I have said before, but in terms of what I want my eventual relationship to look like then yes I am biding my time.

I will not allow myself to use this blog as a platform to badmouth my wife or take shots at her.  This is my life and hate it or love it it's all on me.  Beta me would blame her for how I feel, but Alpha me blames me and makes me do something about it.

I will say, however, that using the Married Man Sex Life Sex Ranking number system I outrank my wife, by a lot.  I don't get caught up in the actual numbers.  Much like posting your bench press numbers they must be taken with a giant grain of salt as I think most guys either have an over inflated sense of themselves or they are just lying.

Suffice it to say that I outranked her before I ever started MAPing.  I also know her well enough to say that no matter what I do on my end she will not make changes in her life.  Again, I don't want to seem like I am judging her as this is just my observation.  There are plenty of people in this world who are perfectly happy with who they are and I respect that.  Not everyone wants to live the life I want to live.

Going into this process knowing that makes many of my decisions very simple, but it also makes a few very difficult.  Other than turning out the lights my marriage is over.  The juice, in my case, is not worth the squeeze.  But it's also not that simple.

Is staying in a bad relationship Alpha?

I can be completely honest and say if we ended everything tomorrow, given were I am in my MAP, I would not want to be with any woman who would want me.  My plan is to keep working at the physical but to also expand into other areas that seem Alpha to me.  One of the things I will be doing in the next few weeks is getting my motorcycle permit.  I am also looking to try other things in order to feed my long dormant inner Alpha.

But I still come back to the same question.  Is staying Alpha?

The physical decision to leave is also a tough one.  After years of poor Beta financial planning neither of us is in a position to leave.  She can't support herself or the kids on her own and I'm not prepared to handle my work and the kids on my own.

Maybe it's OK to stay because it allows me to continue to focus on improving myself.  But that's also selfish of me.

I don't know the answer to this one, but it's something I have been think about a lot more as I progress on my journey.

Monday, April 1, 2013

So Viagra is the Little Blue Pill

I sometimes wonder if Pfizer made Viagra blue for a reason.

Now, just to be clear I understand that many men have an actual physical issue and this pill has been a life saver.  I'm not talking about them.  Looking at all the things that are offered to help guys get an erection, and lengths to which men will go, this is a serious pill for a serious a problem.

No, I'm talking about guys like myself.  I can get an erection.  Sometimes it takes a little work, if I'm tired or cranky or any other number of reasons, but there isn't any type of physical issue stopping me.  But I take Viagra on the rare occasion my wife allows me to have sex.

As my marriage has deteriorated, the attraction between my wife and I has dropped off the cliff, the pill is needed.  There are times when I don't need it.  If I'm well rested, and feeling good, and my wife puts even the slightest effort into looking OK then I will be fine.  But that is the exception, not the rule.

The rule is I start off ready to go, only to have the near lifeless body I'm trying to have sex with kill whatever mood I was in.  Now I know, the Red Pill is supposed to teach us that we are the problem.  That if I looked and dressed better my wife would be into me, but that's not the case.  It's just that now sex really sucks, but I still want it.

So I take the blue pill.  Both the real and figurative ones.

The real one keeps me hard enough to actually have sex, but the other Blue Pill keeps me happy with what little I get.  Let's face it, lousy sex with someone who makes no effort is what we are supposed to get right.  That's the treat that keeps us happy, and if you are not happy just take more pills.

But I took the Red Pill, which makes me really hate both of the Blue Pills I take.  I want to be with someone who wants me as much as I want them.  Not because it's an obligation that is owed to me but because of a basic want and desire to be with them.

I'm at that point in my journey where Cypher was when he had dinner with Mr Smith.  I need to make my own decision.

Accept my lousy life, take the Blue Pill, and forget all I've learned and seen.

Or, keep taking the Red Pill, and hope there is a hot wife and a more fulfilling life at the bottom of the rabbit hole.

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Enough Already

I get it, some bloggers in the Manosphere like to use big words.

When I spend more time looking up the words they use then I spend actually reading the blog I think I just need to move on.

I remember being in college when I was introduced to the term "Circle Jerk".  For those who are not familiar with such low brow ideas it was simply a group of guys, in a circle, masturbating.  In the circle would be some person, or thing, and other activities would follow.  I am happy to say I never participated in one but I heard the horror stories from guys who pledged certain fraternities.

Reading some of the Red Pill/Alpha/Manosphere blogs I really get the felling like I'm back in college and watching a Circle Jerk.  I get it, I really do.  Your smart and like to use big words.  I'm sure that Hypergamy and Solipsism just roll off their tongues.  But really, could you guys be any more pretentious.

Maybe I'm being harsh and they are just doing something they truly enjoy.  Perhaps that is really how they talk.  But to be blunt, if they talk and act like they do in their blogs are these really the type of people I should look to on how to be a better man.

Reading these blogs I really get the sense for many of these people, being a man is more of an intellectual pursuit than it is a physical thing.  That figuring out what women want should be looked at like a dissertation instead of an around the world journey.

I do see the merit in SOME of what they do, as changing who we are inside as men is just as important as who we are outside.  But there must be balance.

I can't intellectually change a tire any more than I can squat my way to understand my wife.  At some point you have to put your shoulder to the stone and move it, even if the stone is a concrete Atlas Stone or the Blue Pill we all took many years ago.

It's fun to talk, but eventually you must do.  I just think that some people get so caught up in the talking that they forget why they started talking in the first place.

Monday, March 25, 2013

But They Get Paid To!!!!

I, like I think many people, often see a fitness model and make the same statement in my head.  They get paid to look that way.

I know it's a rationalization on my part but its so easy to look at these people and say they are dedicated and work hard becuase they are paid to.

"If my ability to earn a living hinged on staying in shape and looking good I would ....blah blah blah"

I have no interest in making a living in the fitness industry, beyond maybe one day owning my own gym, but it surprised me how easy it was to discount someones hard work and dedication as just a money thing.  Do I look at a scientist or doctor and say the only reason they are smart is because someone pays them to be?

Sounds pretty ridiculous when I word it that way, but a fitness model is not any different.  They work hard and are dedicated to something that many of us only aspire to.  So what's the difference.

I guess this posting is more of an outward WTF to myself than anything.  I don't get paid to look good but what is my excuse.  I get it that I can't train for hours every day and spend more time cooking and prepping but there has to be a happy medium here.

It's real easy for many of us to say just throw our hands up and say "Well since I can't look like that I might as well just be fat" but that is cop-out.

My plan now will be to find a way to put the kind of pressure on myself that a job creates.  Make sure that the pain of failure is much worse than the discomfort of discipline.  Like looking at the models it is a lot easier said then done.  But then if getting in shape and looking good was easy, we all wouldn't be the fat fucks that we are.

Sunday, March 24, 2013

Call RotoRooter, or take the Red Pill

It's amazing how I can see behavior in other people and not see it in myself.

My wife is currently working a temporary position.  She has been there about a month and may be there another month but nothing long term.  I won't try and get into the details of how her position works but suffice to say that she works directly for one person(call her Boss Lady), but takes some direction from a different person in another department(call her Magz). From a corporate standpoint Magz and Boss Lady are both on the same level.

Magz is not happy with how Boss Lady runs her department, but is not in a position to do anything about it.  Over the course of their working together my wife has become friendly, but certainly not friends, with Magz.  Last week Magz started to talk with my wife about all the garbage that she hates about Boss Lady.  She even wrote a long e-mail detailing much of what she had already talked about.

My wife read the e-mail and made a thoughtful response to Magz.  Magz responded to that by saying "OK, thanks".  That was it.

My wife wasn't sure why she responded that way and I said it's because Magz looks at you like her emotional toilet (get the Roto Rooter reference now?).

Magz didn't want my wife's input or feedback.  She just wanted to dump on her, flush, and walk away.  Magz does not look at my wife as an equal, or friend, or anything really.  She is just a place to dump her emotions.

Of course the Emotional Toilet line from me seemed obvious when I heard the story.  It wasn't until later that I realized that is exactly what I've been for my wife for the past 15 years.  My wife would come home from work and spend a good portion of our time together complaining about her job.  I would listen and offer some advice but it was always met with her version of "OK, thanks".

Taking the Red Pill is supposed to open your eyes to reality of your life.  I am starting to understand what that means.  Many men just focus on sex or being more Alpha, but I can see now there is a lot more to this.

For much of our marriage I was not my wife's friend, or equal, or anything other than her emotional toilet.  Dump, flush, and walk away.  I hated all of these conversations because I knew there was no reason for me to be there.  If not for the fact that she would have felt really stupid doing it she could have just told her work stories to the wall and it would have had the same effect.  The only difference being that the wall would not nod from time to time to seem like it was listening to what she was saying.

I have only opened my eyes to my own behavior recently.  Like Neo in the Matrix taking the Red Pill just allows you to see the reality of your life, it doesn't tell you how to fix it.

So I know what I'm doing wrong, but I don't know how to change it.

GI Joe would always say "Knowing is half the battle" so I guess seeing what I've been doing means I'm half way there.  I would guess, however, that the first half was the easy part.  Figuring out how not to be my wife's toilet will be much harder than figuratively taking a pill.

Monday, March 18, 2013

Keep Moving....Nothing to See...Yet

Been out of commision the past week.  Kids got sick, my wife got sick, then me.

I hate being sick.  I think most people can say that but I just wanted to emphasize that I really hate being sick.

As a father, husband, employee, etc... I have a lot going on and being sick just means more to do next week.  But even being sick can teach us something about ourselves.

In the past the first thing I did when I was feeling sick would be to start taking cold medicine.  I would then spend the next three or four weeks in various stages of euphoria and dementia as the drugs "helped" me get over whatever I had.

This last time, however, was different.  I didn't take anything.  No home remedies, teas, drinks or drops.  Nothing.  I just let it run it's course and was thru it in less than a week.

I did, however, make sure to get rest and kept my workouts very light focusing on just working up a heavy sweat.  This all seemed to help.

Ultimately I think what I learned, or just admitted to seeing, is that our bodies are much better at fighting and fixing what ailed us than some pill.  So it got me to looking at other things as well.

I decided to cut out caffeine from my diet.  I was not a huge coffee person or anything but I almost always took a stimulant of some type prior to working out.  I'm concerned about something becoming a crutch, and like the cold pills hiding something I really need to see so I cut it.  Had my first hard workout thing morning since the cold and I didn't have much of a problem this morning without it.  Most of my struggles probably came from being run down from my cold so I think it won't be long to get me back to form.

I also decided to change my overall goals a bit.  I will write another post on this by itself but my focus moving forward will be with improving my health more than just my physical appearance.  A cold doesn't care if you have abs so focus on what is important.  I will still be working to improve my physical self and get my abs ready for summer, but my food choices will be based on improving my health.

Now I have to go catch up on everything else I fell behind on while sick, like my blog, so I better get back to work.