Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Enough Already

I get it, some bloggers in the Manosphere like to use big words.

When I spend more time looking up the words they use then I spend actually reading the blog I think I just need to move on.

I remember being in college when I was introduced to the term "Circle Jerk".  For those who are not familiar with such low brow ideas it was simply a group of guys, in a circle, masturbating.  In the circle would be some person, or thing, and other activities would follow.  I am happy to say I never participated in one but I heard the horror stories from guys who pledged certain fraternities.

Reading some of the Red Pill/Alpha/Manosphere blogs I really get the felling like I'm back in college and watching a Circle Jerk.  I get it, I really do.  Your smart and like to use big words.  I'm sure that Hypergamy and Solipsism just roll off their tongues.  But really, could you guys be any more pretentious.

Maybe I'm being harsh and they are just doing something they truly enjoy.  Perhaps that is really how they talk.  But to be blunt, if they talk and act like they do in their blogs are these really the type of people I should look to on how to be a better man.

Reading these blogs I really get the sense for many of these people, being a man is more of an intellectual pursuit than it is a physical thing.  That figuring out what women want should be looked at like a dissertation instead of an around the world journey.

I do see the merit in SOME of what they do, as changing who we are inside as men is just as important as who we are outside.  But there must be balance.

I can't intellectually change a tire any more than I can squat my way to understand my wife.  At some point you have to put your shoulder to the stone and move it, even if the stone is a concrete Atlas Stone or the Blue Pill we all took many years ago.

It's fun to talk, but eventually you must do.  I just think that some people get so caught up in the talking that they forget why they started talking in the first place.

Monday, March 25, 2013

But They Get Paid To!!!!

I, like I think many people, often see a fitness model and make the same statement in my head.  They get paid to look that way.

I know it's a rationalization on my part but its so easy to look at these people and say they are dedicated and work hard becuase they are paid to.

"If my ability to earn a living hinged on staying in shape and looking good I would ....blah blah blah"

I have no interest in making a living in the fitness industry, beyond maybe one day owning my own gym, but it surprised me how easy it was to discount someones hard work and dedication as just a money thing.  Do I look at a scientist or doctor and say the only reason they are smart is because someone pays them to be?

Sounds pretty ridiculous when I word it that way, but a fitness model is not any different.  They work hard and are dedicated to something that many of us only aspire to.  So what's the difference.

I guess this posting is more of an outward WTF to myself than anything.  I don't get paid to look good but what is my excuse.  I get it that I can't train for hours every day and spend more time cooking and prepping but there has to be a happy medium here.

It's real easy for many of us to say just throw our hands up and say "Well since I can't look like that I might as well just be fat" but that is cop-out.

My plan now will be to find a way to put the kind of pressure on myself that a job creates.  Make sure that the pain of failure is much worse than the discomfort of discipline.  Like looking at the models it is a lot easier said then done.  But then if getting in shape and looking good was easy, we all wouldn't be the fat fucks that we are.

Sunday, March 24, 2013

Call RotoRooter, or take the Red Pill

It's amazing how I can see behavior in other people and not see it in myself.

My wife is currently working a temporary position.  She has been there about a month and may be there another month but nothing long term.  I won't try and get into the details of how her position works but suffice to say that she works directly for one person(call her Boss Lady), but takes some direction from a different person in another department(call her Magz). From a corporate standpoint Magz and Boss Lady are both on the same level.

Magz is not happy with how Boss Lady runs her department, but is not in a position to do anything about it.  Over the course of their working together my wife has become friendly, but certainly not friends, with Magz.  Last week Magz started to talk with my wife about all the garbage that she hates about Boss Lady.  She even wrote a long e-mail detailing much of what she had already talked about.

My wife read the e-mail and made a thoughtful response to Magz.  Magz responded to that by saying "OK, thanks".  That was it.

My wife wasn't sure why she responded that way and I said it's because Magz looks at you like her emotional toilet (get the Roto Rooter reference now?).

Magz didn't want my wife's input or feedback.  She just wanted to dump on her, flush, and walk away.  Magz does not look at my wife as an equal, or friend, or anything really.  She is just a place to dump her emotions.

Of course the Emotional Toilet line from me seemed obvious when I heard the story.  It wasn't until later that I realized that is exactly what I've been for my wife for the past 15 years.  My wife would come home from work and spend a good portion of our time together complaining about her job.  I would listen and offer some advice but it was always met with her version of "OK, thanks".

Taking the Red Pill is supposed to open your eyes to reality of your life.  I am starting to understand what that means.  Many men just focus on sex or being more Alpha, but I can see now there is a lot more to this.

For much of our marriage I was not my wife's friend, or equal, or anything other than her emotional toilet.  Dump, flush, and walk away.  I hated all of these conversations because I knew there was no reason for me to be there.  If not for the fact that she would have felt really stupid doing it she could have just told her work stories to the wall and it would have had the same effect.  The only difference being that the wall would not nod from time to time to seem like it was listening to what she was saying.

I have only opened my eyes to my own behavior recently.  Like Neo in the Matrix taking the Red Pill just allows you to see the reality of your life, it doesn't tell you how to fix it.

So I know what I'm doing wrong, but I don't know how to change it.

GI Joe would always say "Knowing is half the battle" so I guess seeing what I've been doing means I'm half way there.  I would guess, however, that the first half was the easy part.  Figuring out how not to be my wife's toilet will be much harder than figuratively taking a pill.

Monday, March 18, 2013

Keep Moving....Nothing to See...Yet

Been out of commision the past week.  Kids got sick, my wife got sick, then me.

I hate being sick.  I think most people can say that but I just wanted to emphasize that I really hate being sick.

As a father, husband, employee, etc... I have a lot going on and being sick just means more to do next week.  But even being sick can teach us something about ourselves.

In the past the first thing I did when I was feeling sick would be to start taking cold medicine.  I would then spend the next three or four weeks in various stages of euphoria and dementia as the drugs "helped" me get over whatever I had.

This last time, however, was different.  I didn't take anything.  No home remedies, teas, drinks or drops.  Nothing.  I just let it run it's course and was thru it in less than a week.

I did, however, make sure to get rest and kept my workouts very light focusing on just working up a heavy sweat.  This all seemed to help.

Ultimately I think what I learned, or just admitted to seeing, is that our bodies are much better at fighting and fixing what ailed us than some pill.  So it got me to looking at other things as well.

I decided to cut out caffeine from my diet.  I was not a huge coffee person or anything but I almost always took a stimulant of some type prior to working out.  I'm concerned about something becoming a crutch, and like the cold pills hiding something I really need to see so I cut it.  Had my first hard workout thing morning since the cold and I didn't have much of a problem this morning without it.  Most of my struggles probably came from being run down from my cold so I think it won't be long to get me back to form.

I also decided to change my overall goals a bit.  I will write another post on this by itself but my focus moving forward will be with improving my health more than just my physical appearance.  A cold doesn't care if you have abs so focus on what is important.  I will still be working to improve my physical self and get my abs ready for summer, but my food choices will be based on improving my health.

Now I have to go catch up on everything else I fell behind on while sick, like my blog, so I better get back to work.

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Who Am I.....

I'm not Jean ValJean.

Saw a post today from Average Married Dad that hit home with me.

Who Are You?

Most of us who found, and took, the Red Pill often start with the basics.  Getting in shape, dress better, take more charge of our lives, but why.  The vital question that needs to be asked is to what end.  I, like many, started this because my married life sucks, but again that is just a start.

Who do I want to be when I'm done?

Average Married Dad asked himself the same question, but from a different direction.  He started from the outside and wanted to make what's inside match.  My journey strated from the inside, and the work is making the outside match.

I don't have any idea how anyone can figure this out, but I wanted to write how I personally am at least starting to find and figure out myself.

Just to make it easy I'll start with my physical self.  I won't drag this out beyond saying that I spent many years as a non-competitive weightlifter.  That is code for I liked to lift weights but didn't work on my diet.  Was big and strong but fat and out of shape.  And the truth is I was never really that strong.

One of the things I really needed to ask myself is what do I want to look like.  It's easy to say get in better shape and have muscles, but as most goal setters will tell you that is just not enough.  I needed to look inside and see who I really am.  To be specific and figure out what I wanted, and I did.  Without getting to detailed let's just say I am going for a crossfitter who is stronger than he is in shape, if that makes any sense.  I like being big and I will never have super low body fat, but I can keep my size and get abs and that is what I am focusing on.

For clothing it was bit easier.  I know my wife likes to see me in a suit but I will never be someone who is comfortable dressing like a GQ model.  I am a jeans and work boots kind of guy, which is also what my job is.  But the effort is in still making an effort to look your best even when you don't have to.  This past weekend I bought some new jeans that fit and am always on the lookout for comfortable clothes that I can wear to work but still look nice.  It's a work in progress, since I don't have the money or knowledge to just buy all new stuff, but every few weeks I up my game.

How I act will be the biggest, and hardest change, to make.  Much like Average Dad the difference between internal/external is pretty big with me.  I've started the process by being more Alpha in my daily interactions with everyone but it will be a long road for me.

Like I said, I don't have any insight into how to find this person hiding inside of you.  But you need to figure out who it is.  My person most likely will change as I progress in my journey, and my goals and actions will change as well, but for now I know who I am inside and what I need to do to make that the outside person as well.

Monday, March 11, 2013

At Least the Dog Loves Me!!!!

Recently saw a link to a female Red Pill Blogger called The Life Of Liz

The Life Of Liz

Have not had a lot of time to read thru it but her posting today really hit a nerve with me.

The posting itself talks about changes she has made over the past year along with Henry, who I assume is her husband.  But the part that got to me is this paragraph near the end.

"One of our early rules was for me to meet him at the door and give him a welcome home kiss; sounds easy, but it was hard to do with those seven sets of eyes watching my every move.  It also shows how distant we had grown that getting up and kissing my husband was a hard thing for me to do!"

I don't know when it stopped, but there was a time when the first things we did when the last one got home was to find each other for a kiss and hug.  Nothing over the top, just a simple welcome home.

But it did stop, a long time ago.  Well, it stopped for my wife at least.  I quickly learned that if I wanted affection from my wife it was my job to find it.  So I took on the Beta husband role of keeping some level of effection going in the relationship.  I won't go into some type of psychological profile of woman and how this may, or may not have, caused my wife to loose attraction to me.  Much like my MAP is for myself, I can only speak for my actions and reactions.

One event in particular really got me steamed and has had an effect on me for years now.  I was getting home late one night and had stopped at Starbucks to get some coffee and snacks that we could share at home.  I get to the front door with two large cups of hot liquid and a bag with snacks.  I had to balance the cups and snacks carefully to get my keys out to unlock the door.  All the while my wife was sitting less than 4 feet from the door watching TV.  She made no attempt get up or help in any way.

I only recently learned what a Display of Low Value is, and that was it.  Or I should say that was the first of many for next several years.

I know it seems dumb, and maybe immature, but is it really to much to ask for my wife to make at least some effort to even acknowledge I'm home.  The dogs race thru the entire house just to see me, and anyone else who comes in, but it's still nice to see.

Just like in my "Is the Juice Worth the Squeeze" post I ask myself this many times a day anymore.

It would seem silly to say I could throw away 18 years of marriage because she didn't get up to open the door.  Yet is it any more silly than staying with a wife who can't tear herself away from the TV, or more likely Facebook, to give her husband a kiss.

Thursday, March 7, 2013

Is the Juice Worth the Squeeze?

I see a movie theme going on with these postings.

For those who don't get it the line is from "The Girl Next Door".  A very cute and fun comming of age movie about a high school senior who falls for the new girl who just moved in next door.  Turns out she did some porn in her previous life, boy finds out, hilarity ensues.

I fully admit I enjoyed the movie as one of the those old guy guilty pleasure things.  Despite that I think the speech below is something we should all hear.

I got the idea for this posting after another thread on the MMSL forum.  Just a note this is one of many many threads that essential all say the same thing.  It is a very common theme among nearly all the Red Pill boards.

What should I do?

The thread is from a guy whose marriage HAS fallen apart.  Wife had an affair, no love or affection from either, etc....

His last line of the original posting is what got me...

"I would be interested in getting feedback  from folks  based on my story. I am struggling  in a world where I have already mourned the end of my mariage but I am still reaching out  and getting nothing in return.  This is it for me."

This is when you really need to ask yourself "Is the juice worth the squeeze?"

I can certainly understand trying to salvage a marriage.  Many of us have spent the better part of our entire adult lives with this other person.  We have kids, a house, just simply a life.  The idea of waling away from that is terrifying to me and I can admit to that.  Now, once I get my shit together and am the man I want to become maybe my view on that will change.

Is being alone worse than being in a sexless/loveless marriage?

I can't really answer that beyond saying that I'm afraid to find out.  Right now my focus is on what I need to do now.  How do I improve myself and what needs to be done but what happens when that process works.

I think the take away from all this is to constantly be  evaluating yourself and asking at every step if the result is worth the effort.  If you follow a MAP and improve yourself and your relationship doesn't change are you prepared to end it or will you just accept this as being your life and learn to live with it.  Will I just Beta-Up and do what I'm supposed to do, or Alpha-Up and take charge of my life.

It's easy for me, anonymously sitting behind a keyboard, to call these guys out.  The real test will be when the time comes for me.  I will take the action I know that I need to or will I post on boards looking for validation of my action.

Much like loosing weight and getting in shape there is no secret.  Hard work and commitment are it, and at some point we will all need to ask ourselves if it's worth it.

Is the juice worth the squeeze?

Monday, March 4, 2013

No Cheating Now......

Not that kind of cheating.

I'll write another post about that kind but I have zero respect for a man who cheats while married, or even dating.  If you want to have sex with another person then man up, end your relationship, and move on.  But that is another post for another time.

The cheating I'm talking about are those of us who are doing a dopamine reset.

I won't make this long but just some quick background.  My marriage has been a low/no sex one for nearly 10 years.  Once my son was born it was every few months at best.  I, like a number of other guys, turned to porn.  Because of a very stressful time my wife had at work about 5 years ago we went over a year with no sex at all.  In order to deal with that I used more porn.  The first time we did have sex after that I had ED and it's been downhill ever since.

I tried a number of herbal remedies, got Viagra, worked on my diet but everything had varying levels of effectiveness.  I do realize that much of my problem was performance anxiety since I know going in that this may be the only time in the next few months I will have a chance of having sex, but it wasn't the only problem.  In doing some research I came across the idea of Porn Induced Erectile Disfunction.

Your Brain on Porn

The idea is that the visual stimulation that some guys get from porn (and I do emphesize some guys) makes real sex not that appealing.  Like any drug the level of porn I needed to be able to masturbate was growing, along with the edginess of the porn itself.  A simple scene of a man and woman having sex would get no reaction from me.

So about 2 months ago I went cold turkey with the porn.  Well, sort of.  This is what I meant about cheating.

I can't really do the movement justice but it's loosely explained that No Fapping is based on resetting our bodies by cutting out the porn, but also to abstain from any kind of sex unless it's with your partner.  No masturbating, edging, anything.  It started well but eventually I found that I could watch some really hot non-porn things on You Tube.  Videos of lesbians kissing and woman in spandex were easy to find, and it was also easy for my hamster to see it was not porn.  I was also edging while watching, but again my hamster said how can this not help.

This past weekend, after several weeks of sexing my wife and tracking her cycle I thought I was headed to sex.  I had already posted I was going to be more aggresive, and I was taking charge, but again the ED was a problem.

Many guys, and I'm obviously one of them, will MAP for a short while then start to have sex again.  This can work for some, but it's not working for me.  I realize just working to get in better shape and dress better is a part of my MAP, but it's not the only part.  I need to work on what's in my head and I will start by abstaining for the rest of the month.  This will need to mean no more edging and no more non-porn porn for me.

I will also try a new tactic.  Anytime I get the urge to watch something I shouldn't or do something I shouldn't I'll go find a little area and do a burpee tabata.  Keeps me from relapsing on my No Fap agreement, but will also work to get me in better shape.

Again, it's a work in progress and I'll only know how it goes once it actually goes.

Here's to being a better man.

Friday, March 1, 2013

The Alpha Man Path of God

I will openly admit that taking charge and upping my Alpha is a leap of faith.

Will it work, will she accept it, can I sell it are all questions that most of us will face when we take the pill.

One of the places that many of us really want to be Alpha is in the bedroom.  Take charge and get what you want is something of a mantra on many sites.  One issue that many like myself will struggle with is how far to push before we cross that line from Alpha to A-hole.

I have a good number of sexual fantasies that I have never ever talked with my wife about.  Nothing dangerous, but they do push the envelope for many people.

Something simple like dirty talk can go off the deep end.  Looking at the woman I love and who bore my children and telling her that tonight she will be my cock craving cum slut can seem a bit extreme to many people, myself included, but it is what I want.

The notion of taking charge is very foreighn to me on some levels.  I take charge in my job and things around the house, but taking charge of her physically is uncharted teritory.  I mentioned in my Outcome Independence posting that pissing her off by saying I'm MAP'ing for myself is no big deal because the worst that can happen is no worst than the life I have now.  I think taking charge in bed can be looked at the same way.

My wife rarely, if ever, agrees to have sex with me.  I've been shut down for years so what do I have to loose.  So I've decided to take the plunge and see what happens.  To Alpha Up on her tonight and see where this goes.  The worst that can happen is she shuts me down and it's another few months before she allows me to even try.  At best I get her to dress in one of those outfits all our wives have but never ever wear and end the night with me cumming in her ass while telling her what a hot slut she is.

Like Indiana Jones in The Last Crusade I'm going to try The Path of God.  I will either safely walk to the other side and grab the sexless man's holy grail (also know as my wifes pussy) or fall into the bottomless pit and endure the slow death that is my marriage.

Let's see what I write about tomorrow.