Monday, April 29, 2013

So Why Did You Move In With Me?

It's been nearly 20 years now, but this is how it started.

My wife and I had been dating for about 6 months when my apartment lease was up.  I lived close to my job in a somewhat developed suburb of Philadelphia.  It was boring but had a supermarket, gym, and my job.  Now this was a Co-op job at a place that had nothing for me once my 6 months was finished.  So I was stuck with nothing to do in a boring place to live.

My wife lived in Olde City Philadelphia.  She had a really cool studio loft apartment within walking distance of everything.  Over the course of a few months, when my job finished, I essentially moved in.  We never really talked about, it just happened.  I had no reason to go back to my apartment, and to be honest I didn't want to go back.  I also saved a lot of money working crazy hours at my job with nearly no expenses. I didn't have to work for a while and after graduating from college I just took a break.

The reason I didn't go back was something that came up this past weekend, with my kids asking about where I used to live.

I moved in for a number of reasons.  She worked during the day so I wandered around the city.  I would also go to different markets and get interesting things to make for dinner when she got home.  I also enjoyed spending time with her and thought the relationship could continue to grow.  But one of the other reasons, that of course today doesn't exist, is we had sex.  Lots and lots of awesome sex.

Fast forward to this weekend and my wife expects me to say that I couldn't live without my soul mate and that is why I moved in.  I won't say it's revisionist history because maybe that is what she really thought.  I highly doubt it, but maybe it was.

My kids never asked why we moved in, they were just curious about where this happened.  They have no interest in the why, and telling them my answer or my wife's would probably just weird them out.  My wife is the one who brought up the why, and she was not the least bit happy that I didn't give her any answer, let alone the answer she wanted.  I know what she wanted me to say.  I have been down this road with her many many times.

Only now, I travel this road as a Red Pill/Recovering Beta.  In the past I would have given her the answer she wanted.  And in return for that I would have been given the opportunity to go jerk off in the basement because she still would not have had sex with me.  Instead of telling the truth, which would have been inappropriate in front our kids, I choose not to say anything.

I won't say it's a good thing for our relationship, yet, but it certainly feels empowering when I consciously make decisions like this.  My passive aggressive response in the past would have been a "whatever you say" making me feel crappy about not standing up and also make her angry.  She was still angry, but it wasn't my fault.

I am not happy about where our relationship is now, and I won't pretend that it's always been this way.  She may hate me for not giving in, but I am starting to learn how to respect MYSELF, which is something I have been struggling with since taking the Red Pill.

Yesterday was just one more step forward on my journey of reclaiming my life and masculinity.

Friday, April 26, 2013

Am I Really That Shallow?

One of the more angry bloggers I follow, Judgy Bitch, wrote a piece about why men might stray in a marriage.  She referenced a number of things, but one of them was a hooker who has written a book.

Hooker Advice

Beyond a late night online porn induced delusional fantasy,  I've never seriously thought of cheating on my wife with anyone let alone a prostitute.  As I've eluded to before I have an issue with doing that while supposedly being committed. What really struck me about this posting, and many posting all over the Manosphere is simply....

Am I really that shallow?

My marital problems go well beyond sex, but if that was it....if the only problem was my sexless marriage...would it be enough to drive me to end the marriage, or simply cheat.  Are my needs and want for sex that powerful and controlling over me that they need to be met at any cost?

Maybe one of the reasons it's taken me so long to even look for the Red Pill, let along take it, is because I don't really understand myself.  Am I supposed to be able to walk away from my marriage just because of sex.

Like many of the Red Pill concepts what if this one also get's twisted.  A man will walk away because he is only having sex once every few months like myself.  But what if he is having sex three times a week but he still feels it's not enough.. He has built up such a compelling delusional vision of himself that he will walk away from his family because his wife doesn't want to be his live in full time slave.  That he deserves this whole "sex on demand" and if he doesn't get it he is gone.

As I've mentioned before in But I Already Have Kids I think it's real easy for some guys to use the Red Pill as an excuse to control the immature women they are attracted to.  Someone looses a few pounds and all of a sudden then are god's gift to their wives and expect to be worshiped.

I want more sex in my marriage, but that is only one part of what is going on with me.  For any guy who is contemplating leaving or cheating on the wives my advice to them is the same advice I am trying to live by....

Get You Shit Together!!!!

Because if you are willing to leave your family over sex, I would guess that the sex is only cover for how fucked up you, and your life, really are.

Friday, April 19, 2013

But I Already Have Kids

I was lurking on the MMSL forum, as I often do, and came across this gem.

She Slapped Me

The guy posted about what to do now that his wife slapped him. Seems like he had an argument, and in his dealing with his wife, she slapped him.

There were a number of comments about the fact that in his original posting he mentioned that due to some disrespectful behavior he spanked his wife.  As in put her over his knee and gave her a spanking.

A number of posters, including Athol, commented on why he was allowed to strike his wife but she was not.  That's about when I stopped reading.

From what little I did read of this guys posting, and I am purposefully not calling him a man, you could take the word "wife" and replace it with "child" and not change anything.  I fully admit I don't, nor do I want to, understand Domestic Discipline, but spanking a grown person for "disrespecting" just seem extremely childish.  He seems like the kind of douche who as a kid would take his ball and go home because he didn't get his way.

This guy is the poster child for how the Red Pill can be twisted, and when your First Office just becomes your Janitor.

I am the last person who should be judging someone elses marriage given how bad mine is, but after reading that I feel much better about where we are.

You see, I married a woman.  A full grown, mature, productive member of society woman.  We have two kids, and that is enough for me.  I do understand the need to spank a child.  Often times only the threat of a swat on the backside will get thru to them that a certain behavior is unacceptable, but I will never understand spanking an adult.  Now that doesn't mean that I have not in my past played with role playing spanking, but treating your spouse like a child just seems ridiculous.

It's ridiculous to think that a man married a woman who is so immature that what works with a child will actually work on her.  But what is also ridiculous is that this guy is so emotionally immature that he actively sought out someone who is equally immature.

If you want to raise a child than have kids, but treating your spouse like a child is about as far from being Red Pill as anything I've seen.

Friday, April 12, 2013

Put Down the Book, and Pick Up Your....


There I said it.

It's amazing how many of the Red Pill sites have a real heavy Religious side.  The above posting is not Red Pill, but it illustrates a point.

Just to quickly paraphrase the item:

Guy get's married.
Guy let's himself completely go on every level.
Woman moves on.
Guy blames her.

The part that I find really disturbing is how many people are blaming the woman.  Since it's a Christian site they all quote the good book about why the woman should stay no matter what.  I've even seen people posting on sites that physical abuse is not a reason, given by the Bible of course, to end a marriage.

Alpha Game also commented on this posting, which is actually where I saw it.

Here is the part that really bothers me.  This guy let's himself go and the general consensus is that the woman broke her marital contract by having the affair.

I will admit that she did break her vows, and I have personal reasons for not having any respect for a person who cheats while married.  Be a man, or woman, and end the marriage before starting a new relationship.

I am working on another posting on a similar topic but it's just amazing the double standard that exists.  Woman get's fat, guy has an affair, and Red Pill community tells him it's the wife's fault because she got fat.  That if our wives don't cook, clean, raise the kids, and bring us our slippers and offer a blow job when we get home that they should be kicked to the curb.  The guy, however, can let himself go and become a complete waste of space and if the woman leaves then she gets called out.

There is nothing magical about the Red Pill.  It won't solve your, or my, marital problems.  But it does seem like there are many who think that.  Simply stating, in some public way, that you have taken it won't make your wife or girlfriend forget the fact that you are a looser.

Sorry, but there is no pill, no matter what color, that will do that.  The Red Pill only allows you to see what is going on.  The ability to change that requires effort.

Regardless of what my wife does, only I am responsible for me and the life I have.  It would be so much easier, like all these other so called men have done, to just blame her but if a man want's to be a true alpha then the only person he can blame is himself.

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Boy That Really Sucked

To say that March 2013 was a bad month for me would be an understatement.

Well, not the whole month, just the last two weeks.

I fell off the diet/workout/MAP wagon.

To be honest, I fell off the wagon, got pulled under the wheels, and was dragged for a good 100 miles.  March started good, but then I got sick and it was all downhill from there.

I was thinking about what to post here and it was hard to think of anything that just didn't sound like an excuse.  And to be blunt, these are just excuses.

We all have them.  A bad day, week, whatever, that starts us down that slippery slope.  One snack leads to a slice of cake leads to a plate of loaded fries and before you/I know it we are down the slope and over the cliff.

It's good to take note of times like this and use them to reinforce my resolve, and to also learn that it's not permanent.  I screwed up, but no one died or anything like that.  I gained a few pounds, lost a little strength, and my wife is again not the least bit interested in me, but I'm OK.

As the bumper sticker says "Shit Happens".  Clean it up and move on.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life.  Learn from the past but don't dwell.

Easier to write than do but let's see how it goes.

Starting at the end

I don't have much contact with other men going thru this so it may be very common but my epiphany from this past weekend was this.

I'm MAPing to bide my time.

Just to be clear, I am MAPing for myself, as I have said before, but in terms of what I want my eventual relationship to look like then yes I am biding my time.

I will not allow myself to use this blog as a platform to badmouth my wife or take shots at her.  This is my life and hate it or love it it's all on me.  Beta me would blame her for how I feel, but Alpha me blames me and makes me do something about it.

I will say, however, that using the Married Man Sex Life Sex Ranking number system I outrank my wife, by a lot.  I don't get caught up in the actual numbers.  Much like posting your bench press numbers they must be taken with a giant grain of salt as I think most guys either have an over inflated sense of themselves or they are just lying.

Suffice it to say that I outranked her before I ever started MAPing.  I also know her well enough to say that no matter what I do on my end she will not make changes in her life.  Again, I don't want to seem like I am judging her as this is just my observation.  There are plenty of people in this world who are perfectly happy with who they are and I respect that.  Not everyone wants to live the life I want to live.

Going into this process knowing that makes many of my decisions very simple, but it also makes a few very difficult.  Other than turning out the lights my marriage is over.  The juice, in my case, is not worth the squeeze.  But it's also not that simple.

Is staying in a bad relationship Alpha?

I can be completely honest and say if we ended everything tomorrow, given were I am in my MAP, I would not want to be with any woman who would want me.  My plan is to keep working at the physical but to also expand into other areas that seem Alpha to me.  One of the things I will be doing in the next few weeks is getting my motorcycle permit.  I am also looking to try other things in order to feed my long dormant inner Alpha.

But I still come back to the same question.  Is staying Alpha?

The physical decision to leave is also a tough one.  After years of poor Beta financial planning neither of us is in a position to leave.  She can't support herself or the kids on her own and I'm not prepared to handle my work and the kids on my own.

Maybe it's OK to stay because it allows me to continue to focus on improving myself.  But that's also selfish of me.

I don't know the answer to this one, but it's something I have been think about a lot more as I progress on my journey.

Monday, April 1, 2013

So Viagra is the Little Blue Pill

I sometimes wonder if Pfizer made Viagra blue for a reason.

Now, just to be clear I understand that many men have an actual physical issue and this pill has been a life saver.  I'm not talking about them.  Looking at all the things that are offered to help guys get an erection, and lengths to which men will go, this is a serious pill for a serious a problem.

No, I'm talking about guys like myself.  I can get an erection.  Sometimes it takes a little work, if I'm tired or cranky or any other number of reasons, but there isn't any type of physical issue stopping me.  But I take Viagra on the rare occasion my wife allows me to have sex.

As my marriage has deteriorated, the attraction between my wife and I has dropped off the cliff, the pill is needed.  There are times when I don't need it.  If I'm well rested, and feeling good, and my wife puts even the slightest effort into looking OK then I will be fine.  But that is the exception, not the rule.

The rule is I start off ready to go, only to have the near lifeless body I'm trying to have sex with kill whatever mood I was in.  Now I know, the Red Pill is supposed to teach us that we are the problem.  That if I looked and dressed better my wife would be into me, but that's not the case.  It's just that now sex really sucks, but I still want it.

So I take the blue pill.  Both the real and figurative ones.

The real one keeps me hard enough to actually have sex, but the other Blue Pill keeps me happy with what little I get.  Let's face it, lousy sex with someone who makes no effort is what we are supposed to get right.  That's the treat that keeps us happy, and if you are not happy just take more pills.

But I took the Red Pill, which makes me really hate both of the Blue Pills I take.  I want to be with someone who wants me as much as I want them.  Not because it's an obligation that is owed to me but because of a basic want and desire to be with them.

I'm at that point in my journey where Cypher was when he had dinner with Mr Smith.  I need to make my own decision.

Accept my lousy life, take the Blue Pill, and forget all I've learned and seen.

Or, keep taking the Red Pill, and hope there is a hot wife and a more fulfilling life at the bottom of the rabbit hole.