Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Starting at the end

I don't have much contact with other men going thru this so it may be very common but my epiphany from this past weekend was this.

I'm MAPing to bide my time.

Just to be clear, I am MAPing for myself, as I have said before, but in terms of what I want my eventual relationship to look like then yes I am biding my time.

I will not allow myself to use this blog as a platform to badmouth my wife or take shots at her.  This is my life and hate it or love it it's all on me.  Beta me would blame her for how I feel, but Alpha me blames me and makes me do something about it.

I will say, however, that using the Married Man Sex Life Sex Ranking number system I outrank my wife, by a lot.  I don't get caught up in the actual numbers.  Much like posting your bench press numbers they must be taken with a giant grain of salt as I think most guys either have an over inflated sense of themselves or they are just lying.

Suffice it to say that I outranked her before I ever started MAPing.  I also know her well enough to say that no matter what I do on my end she will not make changes in her life.  Again, I don't want to seem like I am judging her as this is just my observation.  There are plenty of people in this world who are perfectly happy with who they are and I respect that.  Not everyone wants to live the life I want to live.

Going into this process knowing that makes many of my decisions very simple, but it also makes a few very difficult.  Other than turning out the lights my marriage is over.  The juice, in my case, is not worth the squeeze.  But it's also not that simple.

Is staying in a bad relationship Alpha?

I can be completely honest and say if we ended everything tomorrow, given were I am in my MAP, I would not want to be with any woman who would want me.  My plan is to keep working at the physical but to also expand into other areas that seem Alpha to me.  One of the things I will be doing in the next few weeks is getting my motorcycle permit.  I am also looking to try other things in order to feed my long dormant inner Alpha.

But I still come back to the same question.  Is staying Alpha?

The physical decision to leave is also a tough one.  After years of poor Beta financial planning neither of us is in a position to leave.  She can't support herself or the kids on her own and I'm not prepared to handle my work and the kids on my own.

Maybe it's OK to stay because it allows me to continue to focus on improving myself.  But that's also selfish of me.

I don't know the answer to this one, but it's something I have been think about a lot more as I progress on my journey.

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