Friday, August 23, 2013

The Abusive Diet

Strange title but bear with me.

I saw a posting earlier this week that linked to an essay about why will power is not enough.  I have said this before and I totally agree.  But what really caught my eye, and my imagination, was his solution.

And before anyone asks I don't have the link or remember where I saw it.  The essay itself was not all that interesting and much like many Alpha items, like NMMNG, %95 of it seemed like filler.

Anyway the basic point was that we should strive to change our inner selves, or possibly release our inner selves to the outside world.

He used the basic concept of someone who looks at a certain food item and can say to themselves "I am not the type of person who would eat that" or something to that effect.

Earlier today I was hungry and had eaten my lunch hours ago (some days are just eating days) and decided to go to Wawa.  For those who are not from the North East United States Wawa is a convenience store selling coffee, snacks, sandwiches, get the idea.  I was pondering what to get and it just really struck me how much effort it is to not each something that is not healthy.

I can admit that I have spent many years struggling with my love of junk food.  Specifically snack cake types of items. I have never really been a big candy person but offer me a single serving pie and I act like a crack whore.

But then let's look at some other areas of my life and see if I can figure something out.  I have never driven drunk.  No matter how much I drink, or have drunk, I would never and have never gotten behind the wheel of a car.  No matter what is going on that is just something I will never do.  I would also never strike a woman.  Now to be honest I have never struck a man either but I will talk about a woman.  There is nothing, short of needing to physically defend my family, that would bring me to raise my hand to a female.

I would never drive drunk, or strike a woman, because that is not who I am.  There is no struggle with me.  There is no scenario where either would ever happen and writing this takes no effort.  It is who I am. Period.  That's it.

But then here I was, standing in front of shelves and shelves of food I should not eat struggling.  Now, I clearly understand that here in the US driving drunk and hitting another person can both get you in a lot of trouble while eating like crap only makes me fat, but it's still an interesting observation.

And I think it's also a great chance to learn something.  Why can't I, and all of us who want to change the way we eat, look at the food in the same way we look at other behaviors.  I think my problem is I am looking at food and trying to mold the way I think to control it.  I think, like the original author talked about, I need to look inside myself and figure out why I CAN eat crap. Despite knowing that I should not be doing this, like driving drunk, I will still eat those snack pies.

Much like taking the Red Pill I think this is just something that I need to close my eyes and do.  No longer will I allow myself to struggle with food choices.  I will believe that these things are just things that I do not eat and that is it.  Like driving drunk or striking a woman, that is not who I am and there is nothing to struggle with anymore.

Easier said, or written, then done I think but if any of this were easy all of us would be dominating every aspect of our lives.

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Don't Rock The Boat

When I first started this process I really struggled with if I should keep it a secret.  Do I tell my wife, or try and hide it.

Just as some background there have been a lot of things over the years I have hid from my wife.  Beta me had a hamster who rationalized that keeping things from her was better than the truth.  As my marriage has continued to fall apart I learned that honestly is the best policy.  I mean when she is pissed off at me most of the time what more can it hurt.

But I made the decision to somewhat keep this from her.  Now, I wasn't trying real hard, but I didn't openly talk about it with her.  She saw I was dressing nicer and my answers to her questions became ones that she didn't like anymore.

"We are soul mates who will be together forever" transformed into "I can't guarantee you a life together".  She hated it but hopefully she has more respect for me.  I also look at this as good practice for when I eventually move on with my life.

Recently things have changed a bit.  She found my copy of The-Married-Life-Primer-2011.  I had my copy of No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy delivered at home.  In the past I would have stuff delivered to my work but like I said, I have nothing to hide.

So she is aware I am doing something be she as a hard time understanding what, and why, I'm doing it.  When No More Mr Nice Guy arrived the first things she texted me was why I was so unhappy with my family.   I responded that I was unhappy with myself, but I don't think it really mattered.

She is becoming more aware every day.  Not of the existence of the Red Pill, or that I've taken it.  She, like Neo, just has a sense that things in her world are not as they had seemed for many years.

One of the things I've struggled with as an adult, especially with my wife, is my beta passive aggressive way of dealing with things.  There is a part of me that thinks not hiding this, or telling her, is being PA in how I'm dealing with the changes.  I'm not ready yet to dive into that discussion with myself.  Maybe one day, but not today.

Much of my life with her has been spent trying to do what was needed to not rock the boat.  Stay the course and hope things would work themselves out.  How many times have I done something not because I wanted to but because I was avoiding dealing with her anger and sarcasm.  If I really think about that could also be said of my entire life.  How much money have I left on the table because I didn't want to put my neck out for a promotion or new job.

It's easy to focus on the physical stuff, and also the sex, when talking about the Red Pill but I think I really need to take some time and think more about other aspects of my life.  Attacking the gym and my diet was easy, but how about attacking the other problem areas of my life.

Don't just take the Red Pill for your dick, take it for everything will be my new motor.