Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Don't Rock The Boat

When I first started this process I really struggled with if I should keep it a secret.  Do I tell my wife, or try and hide it.

Just as some background there have been a lot of things over the years I have hid from my wife.  Beta me had a hamster who rationalized that keeping things from her was better than the truth.  As my marriage has continued to fall apart I learned that honestly is the best policy.  I mean when she is pissed off at me most of the time what more can it hurt.

But I made the decision to somewhat keep this from her.  Now, I wasn't trying real hard, but I didn't openly talk about it with her.  She saw I was dressing nicer and my answers to her questions became ones that she didn't like anymore.

"We are soul mates who will be together forever" transformed into "I can't guarantee you a life together".  She hated it but hopefully she has more respect for me.  I also look at this as good practice for when I eventually move on with my life.

Recently things have changed a bit.  She found my copy of The-Married-Life-Primer-2011.  I had my copy of No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy delivered at home.  In the past I would have stuff delivered to my work but like I said, I have nothing to hide.

So she is aware I am doing something be she as a hard time understanding what, and why, I'm doing it.  When No More Mr Nice Guy arrived the first things she texted me was why I was so unhappy with my family.   I responded that I was unhappy with myself, but I don't think it really mattered.

She is becoming more aware every day.  Not of the existence of the Red Pill, or that I've taken it.  She, like Neo, just has a sense that things in her world are not as they had seemed for many years.

One of the things I've struggled with as an adult, especially with my wife, is my beta passive aggressive way of dealing with things.  There is a part of me that thinks not hiding this, or telling her, is being PA in how I'm dealing with the changes.  I'm not ready yet to dive into that discussion with myself.  Maybe one day, but not today.

Much of my life with her has been spent trying to do what was needed to not rock the boat.  Stay the course and hope things would work themselves out.  How many times have I done something not because I wanted to but because I was avoiding dealing with her anger and sarcasm.  If I really think about that could also be said of my entire life.  How much money have I left on the table because I didn't want to put my neck out for a promotion or new job.

It's easy to focus on the physical stuff, and also the sex, when talking about the Red Pill but I think I really need to take some time and think more about other aspects of my life.  Attacking the gym and my diet was easy, but how about attacking the other problem areas of my life.

Don't just take the Red Pill for your dick, take it for everything will be my new motor.

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