Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Don't Be Sorry

Average Married Dad had a recent post detailing his lessons of the past week.

What I Learned Last Week

Most of it is interesting and like usual it's a good read.

As an aside I do need to take exception to his negative comments about "Mom Jeans".  I turned 43 this year, so it might just be about when I had my sexual awakening, but I actually like the idea of a woman not afraid to show she has a waist.  I know they are popular but I really do hate the hip type jeans.  I remember hearing the Commodores song "Brick House" and not understanding what 34-26-34 meant but today I can really appreciate it.  Seems like many guys would rather see 28-28-28.  That is not me.

Now back to the program.

One of the lines that really jumped out at me was:

The shift to taking the Captain’s chair a couple years ago, embracing my masculinity, attraction to my wife and unapologetic need for sex has made a world of difference.

 I commented back with:

I enjoyed the entire piece but that line really hit home with me. I still have not been able to make the complete transition but I am starting to get much more comfortable with the thoughts in my head.
They are not weird things per say, but it is hard to transition from “mother of my children” to “hot piece of ass I married”.
I guess we are all just a work in progress and at least I know that I’m not the only guy who struggled, and still struggles, with not having to say I’m sorry for being a man.

And I wanted to expand that some.

One of the things that I am starting to better understand about my Red Pill journey is that excepting myself, the good and bad, is part of the process.  I will work to change what I don't like, but some things I just need to except.  Being a man, and not just a male, is one of them that I don't want to change and am working to embrace.

I don't know when the transition happened but at some point sex stopped being sex.  It become love, or intimacy, or any other touchy feely word you want to use.  Sex was hot, it was fun, and I really felt like it gave me a deep physical connection to my wife.

Many men, such as myself, start to develop sexual performance problems as we get older.  I know there are real physical reasons for some of that, but maybe much of the performance problem comes from just being bored with sex.  Diet, age, and physical condition can all drive down a mans testosterone level, but I also think bad sex can as well.  When the mind wants hot, and the body only ever get's luke warm at best, this must have an effect.

Spend any time on the MMSL boards and it will seem like the only reason many of those guys do anything in life is because it may lead to sex.  I would often make fun of them for living a life driven by their penis, but maybe that is not such a bad thing in moderation.

This whole idea that we are testosterone driven beasts who like hot dirty sex has been driven out of many of us.  Now we are just fathers, and husbands, and dads. We turn to porn to see sex the way we want it, but then go upstairs, turn off the lights, get under the covers, and hope for anything.

Like nearly everything else in my journey knowing what I need to do and actually doing it are two different things.  It would be great if I could just one day start saying those things that I have been forced to hide away in the place in my mind I keep all the other dirty things but it doesn't work that way.  At least not for me.

I can take baby steps to regain my maleness.  Working out and being more Alpha in everyday life is a good start but it's still not enough.  I think climbing onto the roof and beating my chest like King Kong will be way over the top, and dangerous, but there has to be a middle ground.

The real trick is finding it.

Friday, September 6, 2013

Covert Independence

There are two concepts that always float around in the manosphere having to do with guys in relationships.  This is something that the pump and dump crowd will laugh at but for those of us in an actual relationship they are the "Covert Contract" and "Outcome Independence".

This weekend I think I took care of them both.

Just to give my spin here is how I look at them both.

A covert contract is the unspoken agreement, that we men create in our heads, that by doing something for a woman we will get sex.  This is not just for men, and it doesn't always have to do with sex but for purposes of my discussion I will use that.  On the rare occasion when my wife makes breakfast Sunday morning it's not because she just wants to be nice, it's because she wants me or us to do something in return.  She never expressed what she wanted but it's there.  A guy who offers his wife a back rub, who then expects it to lead to sex, is also creating a contract.  I rub your back you give me sex.  It's covert, so not talked about, but it's there.

Outcome independence is another sex based thing.  You put the moves on your wife and she rebuffs you.  Instead of pouting, or complaining, or going online and talking about how horrible it is that she won't just do what you tell her, you go on to something else.  For most guys this is just an outward act of pretending to not really be hurt.  The trick, or real skill, is in actually not being resentful or hurt.  Many in the sphere do struggle with the concept that their penis is not at the center of their wives universe.

Now onto my day.

Yesterday we decided to take our last trip of the summer to the beach.  Our location of choice for the past decade has been Ocean City New Jersey.  We leave in the morning, make the 2 hour drive, spend the day on the beach, walk the boardwalk and eat, then go home.  It was a fun relaxing day.

Now in a previous posting I had mentioned about my bathing suit fetish.

If a fat girl gives you an ioi

Despite what many, and even myself, might had thought that is not how the day went.  I was packing downstairs and went upstairs to get something else while my wife was getting ready.  She had gotten her suit and her cover-up on and was folding some other items to take for the kids.  I grabbed her, pushed her onto the bed, and spent a good ten minutes just molesting her back side.  I understood going into this that nothing was going to happen.  I certainly wanted it to, but this was not her MO.  She talked for a minute before I told her to shut up so I could enjoy this.

The feeling of her ample ass under the smooth spandex suit was driving me nuts.  All I could think about was how much I wanted to cum on her ass.  In the past I would have unzipped my shorts and pulled my cock out which would have started her fighting with me to get up and leave.  But I didn't.  I just simply enjoyed the moment.  Then that was it.  I spent the rest of the day doing what I could to put my hand on her, without being offensive and crude.  After the beach we got showered and I know that was last time I will see her in that suit until next year.

We went to the boardwalk and while we walked I played with her hair, held her hand, and generally tried to be a dotting husband.  I enjoyed what I was doing and did it because I enjoyed it.  We have done days like this in the past I knew exactly how this day would end.  She would be tired and go right to sleep when we got home.  And in the past I would have been angry about that and it would often effect how I acted towards here before we even got home.

But this day really was different.  I simply enjoyed what I was doing.  I was not rubbing and touching her because I was expecting sex later.  I was doing it because I wanted to.  Same with all the other things.

The most amazing part of all this is how empowering it made me feel.  I was not letting my HOPE of having sex decide what I was doing.  I was just simply doing.

I won't say this is some kind of breakthrough or anything because I still have a long way to go, but it did show me something about myself that I didn't know was there.  Dropping the contracts and childish moodiness for not getting my way takes a real load off my mind and allows me to simply enjoy what I am doing.

Being in the moment.  It's like Zen for your penis.  I'm sure there will still be times when I struggle with this, like being in any moment, but it's something I can work on.