Average Married Dad had a recent post detailing his lessons of the past week.
What I Learned Last Week
Most of it is interesting and like usual it's a good read.
As an aside I do need to take exception to his negative comments about "Mom Jeans". I turned 43 this year, so it might just be about when I had my sexual awakening, but I actually like the idea of a woman not afraid to show she has a waist. I know they are popular but I really do hate the hip type jeans. I remember hearing the Commodores song "Brick House" and not understanding what 34-26-34 meant but today I can really appreciate it. Seems like many guys would rather see 28-28-28. That is not me.
Now back to the program.
One of the lines that really jumped out at me was:
The shift to taking the Captain’s chair a couple years ago, embracing my
masculinity, attraction to my wife and unapologetic need for sex has
made a world of difference.
I commented back with:
I enjoyed the entire piece but that line really hit home with me. I
still have not been able to make the complete transition but I am
starting to get much more comfortable with the thoughts in my head.
They are not weird things per say, but it is hard to transition from “mother of my children” to “hot piece of ass I married”.
I guess we are all just a work in progress and at least I know that
I’m not the only guy who struggled, and still struggles, with not having
to say I’m sorry for being a man.
And I wanted to expand that some.
One of the things that I am starting to better understand about my Red Pill journey is that excepting myself, the good and bad, is part of the process. I will work to change what I don't like, but some things I just need to except. Being a man, and not just a male, is one of them that I don't want to change and am working to embrace.
I don't know when the transition happened but at some point sex stopped being sex. It become love, or intimacy, or any other touchy feely word you want to use. Sex was hot, it was fun, and I really felt like it gave me a deep physical connection to my wife.
Many men, such as myself, start to develop sexual performance problems as we get older. I know there are real physical reasons for some of that, but maybe much of the performance problem comes from just being bored with sex. Diet, age, and physical condition can all drive down a mans testosterone level, but I also think bad sex can as well. When the mind wants hot, and the body only ever get's luke warm at best, this must have an effect.
Spend any time on the MMSL boards and it will seem like the only reason many of those guys do anything in life is because it may lead to sex. I would often make fun of them for living a life driven by their penis, but maybe that is not such a bad thing in moderation.
This whole idea that we are testosterone driven beasts who like hot dirty sex has been driven out of many of us. Now we are just fathers, and husbands, and dads. We turn to porn to see sex the way we want it, but then go upstairs, turn off the lights, get under the covers, and hope for anything.
Like nearly everything else in my journey knowing what I need to do and actually doing it are two different things. It would be great if I could just one day start saying those things that I have been forced to hide away in the place in my mind I keep all the other dirty things but it doesn't work that way. At least not for me.
I can take baby steps to regain my maleness. Working out and being more Alpha in everyday life is a good start but it's still not enough. I think climbing onto the roof and beating my chest like King Kong will be way over the top, and dangerous, but there has to be a middle ground.
The real trick is finding it.