To be honest I have been wanting to blog more but I was really struggling about something. One of my first blogs was to explain why I even wanted to blog. I don't want to be a writer or ever try and make money doing this. It was just a way for me to document my journey to improve myself. Along the way my mind has gone to some very deep, dark places, and I did write about these. My struggle had been in do I delete these or leave them.
My decision has been to leave them. I am not proud of where I was last year and the things that went thru my mind, but I did go thru this and will leave what I wrote. I won't reference it much, and if you are interested you will need to do some searching, but it's there for all the world to see and as reminder to myself of all the places I have been.
I need to move forward but not forget where I have been.
I loath the whole new year resolution idea but I have set some high level goals for this year to keep moving myself forward. As it should this list will change as I accomplish some things and change my view on others but the high lights are as follows.
- Compete in a power-lifting meet as a 242
- Enroll in a graduate program
- Get my professional license in TX
- Build a back yard chicken coup
- Create a softball training area for Killer K
- Blog twice a week
Note that nothing in the list involves my wife. This is not a real decision that I have made but I will move my life forward and if she chooses to come along then great, but I will no longer be making decisions about my life based on he.
Recently I have finally admitted to myself that she no longer has any attraction to me. I have know this for many years but there was a part of me that didn't want to believe it. I mean have I really changed so much that she no longer wants me other than the one day a week that her hormones kick in. My realization is that she has changed. The driven confident woman I married is now an old broken down woman who spends her days comparing about everything. I'm no catch, but I deserve better. She is a good mother and I have no plans of divorcing her but I am also not going to spend effort to save what is left.
There will be more to follow but every journey starts with one step and this is my first.