It's an interesting dynamic that goes on in your head when you realize, or in my case openly admit to myself, that your wife just isn't into you any more. Many of the little Beta things that you do on a regular basis with the hope she may allow you to have sex disappear.
My wife is historically very lazy when it comes to our relationship. I have mentioned before that if I don't track her down when I get home for a hug or kiss then I don't get one. So I stopped doing that. I get home and do what I need to complete my day and get ready for the next. Nothing important really but when weighed against making the effort to force my wife to give me some affection it does come out on top. It didn't take long for her to notice, and to start complaining. The other night was a good example of how this has been playing out.
After diner I went to watch some TV. Not something I do often but I just felt like sitting down for a bit before going to bed. My wife, like usual, was sitting at the dinner table on her phone. Once she was done with her Facebook and texting she mentioned that I didn't give her a hug when I got home. I told her she could come over to the couch for one. She instead spent the rest of the evening, which wasn't much time, complaining about that. My previous reaction would have been to get up and give her a hug, but I asked myself why. I would make the effort to get up and do something I didn't want to do and my reward would be nothing. She would never appreciate the effort as she has an expectation that I will do it.
Now I get it, the whole idea that a hug will get me sex is silly but it still goes back to the whole point of my post. Why does she get what she wants if I don't get what I want. I will still give her a hug and kiss when I want to but the expected affection stops. Like working out I do it for me.
Yesterday a similar scene played out. I came home and went do what I needed. I was sitting in the chair in our bedroom taking my shoes off when she came in. She leaned over to hug me and gave me a kiss. Since my marriage can't really get much worse I said "what the hell" and reached up under her sweater and grabbed her boobs. 99 days out of 100 my wife wears underwear that looks like it was bought at a thrift store that only sold old lady clothes. But tonight she had on one of her nice bras. She hugged me and I molested her chest for a few minutes and that was it.
This seemingly harmless and meaningless exchange was a huge departure for us. Normally if my hands get anywhere near her chest on a day she is not ovulating it's met with revulsion and a diatribe about all my negative traits. But that day was different.
At the risk of jumping Red Pill shark here I will say that my frame is telling me that this happened because of my change in behavior. There could have been many other reasons why she allowed me to do that but the fact that it happened at all while being two weeks away from her ovulation has me feeling that maybe I am doing something right.
I realize that her attraction to me has not really changed. She is still not into me, but by forcing her to come to me for this I may be changing what she is willing to do. In the past my mind has gone some deep dark places to deal with a sexless marriage and maybe a relationship without any physical contact is something she is not prepared to handle.
Hope springs eternal, or is it hope is for suckers. Either way I will take what I can right now. My marriage will either improve or end this year and this may be the start. Too early to say what direction this is going in but at least it's something different from the frigid marriage I have been in for the past decade.